all by myself -- the full story

life is not always fair and it is not always fun, but it does always work out. maybe not like we would like it to, but it does always work out. this last holiday season was the worst time of my life -- dealing w/ a back injury and dealing w/ missing all of the important holiday activities that i do w/ my family.

i was in such terrible pain that it was almost unimaginable. i would've never believed it if i hadn't been experiencing it myself. the only way i could exist in any comfort was lying on my stomach. after a while of that, then other parts of my body got terribly sore. i spent hours reading, coloring, emailing, surfing -- anything trying to keep busy. when i couldn't stay awake, i would sleep off the pain pills. further details revealed in night mares and charlie horses.

throughout this time, we were also bombarded with interference from certain "family members" that were not positive experiences. these people are people-users, people-abusers, hypocrits, liars, and worse. i was sick of dealing w/ them. this input or attempted influence in my life was not wanted and not welcomed at any time -- but especially not wanted and not welcomed now. the holidays were rough enough in not happening the way i wanted, but i definitely didn't want any "help" from these other people.

the picture on this page was taken from a national geographic magazine and glued on to the page after it had been painted w/ acrylic paints. the picture always amazed me that someone put that much effort into building such a beautiful place so far away from civilization -- obviously for a reason! probably the same reasons i have . . . b/c people get on my nerves and i like the quiet of being away.

some people can't understand that i have realized my life is better and will be better w/o them in it. i can choose who to allow to be a part of my life. just because someone wants to force their way into my life and my activities doesn't mean i have to allow it and doesn't mean i have to make arrangements for it. i decide who i'm going to let into my life.

a relationship is a two-way street. when more than 1 person is involved, then it takes more than 1 person to decide to work on a relationship, more than 1 person to decide when to work on that relationship, and more than 1 person to decide IF that relationship will be worked on or not.

i'm not just sitting here waiting on someone else to decide he's ready to work on our relationship as if the universe is revolving around his wishes. maybe that's the biggest problem -- he hasn't realized that the universe doesn't revolve around him. some day, when he's a real adult and gets out in the real world, he'll either realize that the universe does not revolve around him or the world will eat his lunch.

either way, things will work out!