Monday, February 28, 2005

february 2005 - 50 book challenge

well, the reading on the 50 book challenge continues, although not as quickly as i would like. it just seems like life interferes too much for me to get too much pleasure reading done. i have felt myself applying mental pressure about this challenge because i hadn't read the average number that i should have to get this goal accomplished by the end of the year. i realized that the pressure i was putting on myself was taking my fun out of reading as i was then reading for measurement instead of pleasure. when i stop and think about it, i know that my summer reading will so push me over the top on reaching the goal, as i tend to read a book a day for the first 2 weeks of august. it's a mad scramble, just trying to squeeze in all the last minute reading before school starts. so, i'm shooting for 50 books read this year, but i'm going to enjoy what i read rather than rase through them just to be able to list them.

5. hangman's curse -- by frank peretti. this book was recommended to me by a previous co-worker, but i didn't enjoy it too much. i think it might be good for the young adult crowd, as it seemed like a juvenile version of mcgyver for christian ghost chasers.

6. jewel -- by bret lott. excellent story from the oprah's book club selection that really touches the reader w/ the trials of being black and a young mother w/ children to raise. at the beginning of the book, the woman finds out that she is pregnant w/ their 6th child and wondering how they are ever going to make it.

7. a child called it -- by dave pelzer. i had read this book before, but after talking about it to a student i decided to read it again. it's a quick read, but definitely motivational. the book recounts the true-to-life tragedies that this small boy overcame to be a success in life.

8. faerie tale -- by raymond e. feist. i bought this book a long time ago, but loaned it out to a student before reading it myself. the student suddenly moved away, taking my book w/ her. it worked out that i hadn't ever gotten to read the book, so i recently bought it again to boost my order at into the "free shipping" category.

i wish you could . . .

i received an email from a friend in michigan and he shared this poem that he had written. he knows i've been longing for a snow day, so he shared his "vision" w/ me by writing this poem and sending it on it's way. although he might think i would think he was just taunting me w/ the snow and snow days, i really enjoyed the visual imagery from the poem. i felt like the only things missing were the tight throat from breathing in too much cold air and the sense of peace that has settled all around is just like a blanket to wrap up the reader. . . . . .

I wish you could see the beauty
of a snow covered night,
See the stars in the sky
With the full moon so bright
Look, and the woods
at the back of the farm,
though a half mile away
shimmer, shine, and sleep.

I wish you could feel
the cold on your face
As you look to the Heavens
And ponder its space.
A snow flake, or two
Lazily falls
catching the light
twinkling, turning, and tender.

I wish you could hear
the stillness of night
when the world has slowed
and turned down the light.
It's quiet
and its silence

is thick.
pensive, passionate, and powerful.

It's cold outside, the moonlight beams
its rays across the way
Scattering diamonds across the field
upon its lace-covered tray.
The sheep are outside,
warm in their wool.
It's quiet and still...

and all is right.
I wish you could see
the beauty
of a snow covered night.

by Denny Grabill

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

some thoughts on flying

i love flying, probably because it's associated with my childhood. remember, i live rural midwest as i relate this. when i was little, my parents had a friend that had a private plane (my dad's best friend had been a ww2 bomber pilot and brought home a german bride). needless to say, she was not well accepted in this rural world that had just fought (at least mentally) a war against germany.

well, this man (jim) was my dad's best friend and his new bride was just part of the package as far as my family was concerned. when he came home, he bought a private plane. he took dad up in the plane one day and dad loved it. jim started giving private lessons, so my father quickly signed up. dad passed his test quickly, and we started flying around the area at least once a week as a family -- kind of like the old fashioned sunday drive. we could see what all was going on in the neighborhood (the 50 mile radius of where i call home), watch the progress of the strip mining company, spend time together, and just have fun.

after we had been doing this several months, my mother (the notorious worry-wart who we often tease that she would worry if she had nothing to worry about) realized that if something happened to dad while we were in the air, then we would probably crash. she signed up for lessons and got her own pilots' license. now that she was much more sure of our safety, we flew more often. we flew at least once a week, but some weeks 2 or 3 times, for no other reason than we had fun doing it. where we live, most people with planes had/have their own runways, although i have known people to set their planes down on the highways if it was clear and they thought they wouldn't get caught!

anyway, we flew for fun and we flew a lot. when i was 2 1/2, my oldest brother was killed while riding his bicycle. my dad knew my mother was not dealing with the situation well and it had happened right in front of our house, so he loaded us up in the private plane with his friend (my dad couldn't leave the farm in june) and sent us to colorado springs to spend some time with family. dad's friend flew us there, where family met us at a private air field. i was miserable the whole trip because no one told me dad wasn't going until the plane doors were shut. i was definitely a daddy's girl and was heart-broken to be separated from my daddy -- especially now. to calm down a distressed and very loud toddler in a private plane became a quick priority (probably before someone else in the family killed me!) so my mother told me that daddy would probably come to colorado springs and meet up with us there. to me, that meant that dad was on his way. my toddler mind had no way to understand that we were traveling much faster by air than he could by car, (but i also didn't know he wasn't leaving for several days!) so i spent the rest of the flight watching for blue/green (turqiose) cars on the roads below us. everytime i would see one, i would say, "mommy, do you think that's daddy there?" she would vaguely answer, "i don't know, honey." and left me to my game of watching for daddy, which occupied me all the way to colorado springs.

the weirdest thing as we landed in colorado springs was the presence of all these huge planes. we were like a gnat trying to navigate through a flock of geese headed south for the winter. except i felt like they were everywhere! it was really kind of scary, because in my world (the extensive explorations of a toddler) i didn't realize there were planes bigger than what we were in!

we spent a couple weeks there before dad came out and picked us up in the car. after we came home from colorado springs, we continued to fly around in the private plane very often and i always loved it. sometimes, i was allowed to steer, sitting in my dad's lap. as i grew taller and could see out the window on my own, i was allowed to steer from the co-pilot's seat. that's so much more cool than driving a car from dad's lap! we probably did this family activity until i was around 10 or 12, but then we had to quit because of the blood-pressure medication my father was taking. at that time, flying was no longer safe for him. we no longer had that regular family time activity to do together -- not that we didn't replace it with others, but this one was just so neat!

i never flew on a jet until i was 17, and i loved that too. best thrill ride around, in my opinion. i don't like having to deal with the other people there, though, as my early memories are of private planes! these other people want to take up space, climb over me, carry on too much luggage, climb back over me, spread their stuff out all over the place, snore, bring crying babies/toddlers, argue with their travel partners, party, are too heavy or too big for their seat (or broad shouldered) and hang over into mine, get grumpy, etc.

now i have an 18 year old son, 6'4" & 250#, and he's one of those people that i *hate* traveling with, although i'll make concessions because i LOVE him. we always have to request exit row seating for him, as he's just too big for the space provided. he can't wiggle once he gets in his seat and because of some previous daredevil injuries, he can't sit still for too long without rearranging. i wouldn't be surprised if others around us wouldn't like to strangle him by the time we get to our destination! sometimes, i want to strangle him myself by then! but i usually let him have most of my "space" and that helps a lot! i definitely don't want someone i don't know/love using up my space just because he or she is too big for their own, though!

we fly as often as we can, but unfortunately, that's not as often as the kids would like. there's a company near us called "powrachute" that makes what looks like "go-carts with parachutes" that you can fly. my son wants one of those so bad, but i'm glad neither of us can afford it. my son is slightly accident prone, so i feel like this would be flying but with the protection a go-cart would offer. they have a neat website and they set a world record each year at their "extravaganza" they host in september in columbus, ks. it's quite a site to see a couple hundred of these in the air at one time. and the extravaganza looks like a medieval carnival, complete with brightly colored tents, vendors, and lots of action. i've met many of the pilots and know the people that own the company, but many pilots/vendors stay at the hotel where i work part-time and i meet them there. in a sense, they're like bikers -- they're their own breed.

every time i fly, i am amazed by the mechanics of the activity, the awesomeness of the creations, the amazing technology that monitors/tracks all flights, the huge coordination between plane/terminal/ground crews. it's just amazing overall. now i'm not saying every flight is wonderful or that my luggage hasn't been lost, but in the grand scheme of things -- they really run a pretty smooth operation. in fact, if i could keep as close of track of my personal belongings as the flight business keeps of everyone else's stuff -- i wouldn't have to look for those missing items near as often! i don't think i've been on a car trip where i didn't lose something, and that was by our personal carelessness!

10 things i like/love about . . .

scott -- my 18 year old son.

i love his . . .

1. loving attitude
2. brilliant smile
3. positive outlook
4. sense of fun and play
5. outgoing personality and quick sense of humor
6. desire to be a good Christian and a good person
7. positive influence and love for raven, his niece who loves "un dot"
8. feelings of responsibility toward family and friends
9. sense of adventure and exploration (except when it prompts a trip to the ER!)
10. his smart mouth and smart attitude!

the possibilities are almost endless. but i could easily fill in 10 things about him that drive me nuts, too. some of them might even be the same things! trust me, a 500 mile road trip w/ someone who imitates donkey from shrek can certainly get on a person's nerves! then if i get upset, he cocks his head to the side and says (like donkey), "i think you need a hug!"

10 things i like to hear . . .

10 things i like to hear . . .

1. i wish you were my mom.
2. i love your class.
3. you are/were my favorite teacher.
4. you are/that is so creative.
5. i like the way you make me feel.
6. from my dad -- i am so proud of you.
7. you should do stand up comedy.
8. i always know i can count on you for the truth.
9. i hope i can do things for my kids like you did for us.
10. i love you, mom.

20 things i hate to admit i love

20 things i hate to admit i love

1. manicures and pedicures
2. big and rich's song "save a horse, ride a cowboy"
3. eve 6
4. barry manilow
5. romance/passion/sex
6. privacy/alone time
7. time off from work (makes me feel lazy, though!)
8. my brother
9. going to school
10. harassing my boss (at my 2nd job) b/c i'm secure in my job
11. being different
12. orneriness (in myself and in others -- i love those ornery kids in the classroom, too!)
13. knowledge -- learning
14. comedy/comedians/joking/laughing
15. family history/family reunions
16. christmas and birthdays - i love to find/buy/wrap/give gifts
17, my children's father (although it's kind of a sick form of love -- as we're divorced many years!)
18. adventures
19. coca-cola
20. blood and guts movies (rambo, die hard, walking tall, etc)

Monday, February 21, 2005

the nature walk --> meandering along

recently, raven and i were home for the evening together, and she was playing around the living room w/ her million or so toys. she was a little restless and getting a little maggoty, so i decided that we should go out in the yard and play kickball. it was one of those beautiful days here where the weather was cool, but unseasonably warm for us. probably in the mid-60s, sun shining, just a slight breeze blowing. the perfect day to start playing outside.

i scooped up raven, her jacket, and her winnie the pooh kickball and out we went. as soon as we were on the porch, raven ran back toward yelling "baby, baby!". i opened the door and she got her water baby, which weighs about 10 pounds b/c it's filled w/ water to make it feel more life-like. the problem is, it's hard for a 20 pound child to carry a 10+ pound doll. she grunts and groans and roughly handles the baby b/c her movements are awkward w/ the weight. anyway, we had BABY now, so we could go out to play.

what i thought was going to be a little running around in the yard chasing a ball quickly turned into a brisk walk, as raven took off down the drive way at a pretty fast clip. she had baby on her shoulder, held in place by one arm, swinging the other arm as she walked. we walked to the end of the drive and she turned to the west and started down the gravel road. we don't have much traffic, so walking in the road is not a problem as long as an adult is along. at first i thought she would walk a little ways but then quickly lose interest in that activity. well, i was wrong. she kept right on walking, switching baby from one shoulder to the other shoulder while groaning with exertion. she was walking quickly for those little baby legs, but more of a meander for me.

i thought we would probably walk to the west end of the yard, which was quite a walk for her little legs, but she kept on going. we ended up walking about 1/8 mile down the road. i didn't measure it, but it was 3 telephone poles distance from the yard. i didn't want to get too far from the house, as i didn't want to pack the extra 20 pounds back to the house on my hip. well, 30 pounds if i count the baby doll as well! so i was making her turn back before her walk was over -- or before she was done walking.

once we were headed back for the house, she was not very anxious to keep walking. she didn't want held or carried, she wanted to keep walking away from the house and to the west. but since she wasn't allowed to do that, then the next best thing was to stall. she wandered from one side of the road to the other, picked up rocks to smell, picked up gravel to throw, laid the baby down in the road, tried to feed the baby some gravel, moo-ed at the cattle that she could hear mooing, picked up the baby, gradually moved up the road a bit to repeat all the above steps. she picked weeds and grass, brought me "pwit-tee" rocks to hold, held rocks up for the baby to smell, and chattered the whole time. she waved at the 2 trucks that went by, and blew kisses when the people waved back to her.

we finally got back to the lane just as the sun was setting. it was dusk, but raven was not interested in going in the house at all. we were in the lane, and she wanted to play kickball now. well, her own version of kickball, at least. she wanted to kick the ball down the slope on the edge of the lane so she could run down the hill to get it. then carry it back up the 3 feet to the lane and kick it again. this went on for quite some time. we gradually moved toward the house, but when raven saw me heading for the porch -- she took off running for the road yelling "walk! walk! walk!" i finally had to pick her up and take her in the house, crying because our walk was over. for the rest of the evening, she would go to the kitchen door, knock w/ her tiny fist, and say "outside! outside! pease!!" as i look back at our time outside, i'm amazed that she needed no toys to play w/ on our walk outside -- she was just happy meandering around and enjoying nature and the freedom of the outdoors.


i get a kick out of those ads listing the cost of different parts of the night's activities and then the price, leaving the final thing for the audience as "priceless". that something that can't be replaced or the action that couldn't have been missed out on in life. the one thing that is just beyond belief, either good or bad, depending upon whether it was a real ad or a parody. well, i recently experienced something like that at the hotel, where i would've given quite a bit to have a camera with me to record the event.

i was working at the front desk on that weekend, just like the typical weekend. at the hotel, there are only 3 entrances/exits. one on the north end, one on the south, and one at the front desk/lobby area. most commonly, people use the entrance by the front desk because it's not locked, it's closest to the elevator, and it's closest to the parking lot. working at the front desk, i notice most people that come and go from the front entrance. it's not uncommon for me to see people i don't know because i don't check most people in, but i always greet people as the go through the lobby.

it's also not uncommon to see people in various stages of undress -- pajamas, night gowns, robes, guys in shorts only, barefooted people, sometimes more and sometimes less. especially if someone just has to run to the car in the middle of the night to get some needed item. well, this particular night, there is a guy that came walking in from the parking lot wearing only a pair of baby blue slick shorts. this is itself was not worth notice, except that i had not seen him leave the hotel. i didn't recognize him, and his state of undress emphasized the amount of body art that he had. he had tattoos on his calves (sides and back of the calves), his back, his stomach, his chest, his biceps, and his forearms. this man was covered w/ these elaborate, full-color pictures.

these tattoos caught my attention because they were fantastic works of art AND we don't normally have people stay at the hotel that are obviously from this sub-culture of tattoos and piercings. for this small town, it is not common to have someone with these signs of "belonging" that don't seem to belong to the lower-class-white-trash-crowd. i can't say he was "well-dressed" because he was hardly dressed. but he was clean and groomed, so i assumed that he didn't look a part of that crowd when he was dressed. i greeted him just as i did anyone else entering the hotel. he said "hello" and went on like he knew where he was and what he was doing. i heard the elevator button ding, so i knew he was going up to his room.

i wasn't paying that close of attention, i guess, because i didn't notice that the elevator didn't actually go anywhere and the button didn't ding as it went up the floors to his room. when i went to pass out receipts a couple hours later, i pushed the elevator button to ride up to the second floor. i was earlier than normal because we had an elderly couple that was checking out before 5 am and they needed a copy of their receipt.

the elevator doors opened slowly to reveal the tattooed, shorts-clad man curled up in a fetal position on the elevator floor. seeing him lying there really caught me off guard. i tried to rouse him by saying "sir?" several times and getting louder each time. i looked around to see if someone was sneaking up on me, as if this were a joke or a set-up, but the coast was clear. he didn't stir after calling to him several times, so i began to get worried. i didn't know if he was asleep, passed out dead drunk, or just dead. and i didn't want to touch him because i didn't know how he might react (or if he might be dead). i didn't want him still in the elevator if the elderly couple were ready to leave, so i called the police station and requested an officer to come out.

in about 5 minutes, 2 police cars came speeding into the parking lot w/ their flashing lights on. the 2 officers came rushing into the lobby to make sure i was ok. i told them what happened and that i just wanted the guy out of the elevator in case the elderly couple needed to leave. i made sure that they realized that the man had been no problem or disturbance, but that he was just in the way. as i was standing there talking to them, i heard the elevator ding upstairs, so i said, "never mind. he went upstairs and got off the elevator. that's all i really wanted."

the police officers decided to go upstairs and check on him anyway. i had no idea what room he was in because i didn't know who he was, but i knew he had gotten off on the 2nd floor and walked down to about room 220 or so. they took the elevator up to the 2nd floor and walked down the hallway to find the man curled up in front of his door -- room 222. they woke him up and talked to him and he told the police that he'd had too much to drink and he was locked out of his room. he had passed out in the elevator before pushing the button for the 2nd floor earlier. he had been asleep in the elevator for about 2 hours without anyone disturbing him. they brought him down to the front desk to get a room key, but he had no ID w/ him. i explained that i couldn't give him a key to the room unless he had ID. the tattooed man told me that the room was under his friends' name, but his personal credit card was paying for the room. the police said that they would go up w/ him and check his ID if i would make him a new room key.

well, he checked out just fine w/ the police escorting him to his room and checking his ID. he was safely back in his room and could get some decent sleep, and the elderly couple could leave w/o fear of someone lying in the elevator. for several hours after this event, all i could think of was "i wish i had my camera w/ me when the elevator doors opened." the more i thought of it, the more i imagined people's responses to the picture or what i would do with the picture. i realized that it would make a perfect picture for one of those priceless ads.

nike slick shorts ----------------------------------------------------------------$20
nice hotel room -----------------------------------------------------------------$75
too much tequila --------------------------------------------------------------- $60
full body of tattoos ---------------------------------------------------------- $3000
getting caught half-naked and unconscious in the elevator --- PRICELESS

Saturday, February 19, 2005


When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens . . .
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

by Jenny Joseph

this poem really struck a chord w/ me as i tend to think i'm going to do just as i please as i get older. this is a trait that i learned from a long line of matriarchs before me, and i don't want to let them down. my grandmother was one of the strongest women that i've ever known, and she did everything with grace, poise, and control. nothing ever rattled her composure. as she was nearing 90 years of age, the doctor suggested that she cut back on her salt intake. she calmly looked at the doctor and said, "do you realize that 'salt' is mentioned in the bible over 800 times? i'm almost 90, and i'll eat salt when i want to." amazingly, he agreed. well, maybe not. but he didn't have the nerve to argue the point w/ her.

i've always been a "rock-the-boat" type of person, but i had my own agenda on boat-rocking. i didn't rock the boat when others expected it or when everyone else was, but when i truly believed in something. as i get older, i'm more tempted to rock the boat more often. especially as i watch my first grandchild experience life. rebellion, not absolute obediance, shows that learning is taking place and that a personal opinion and ability to express that opinion is taking place. i so enjoy watching her flex her budding personality.

after reading WARNING, someone emailed me a parody of the poem WHEN I GET OLD . . . this reminded me totally of how i intend to be. i intend to do exactly what i want, regardless of whether the people around me approve or not. it's finally my time to do as i please, and i intend to take full advantage of the situation. for all those times my children embarrassed or infuriated me -- there will be some getting even in the future.

When I get old, I'll live with my kids,
and make their life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited.

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout.

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."

. . .When I get old and live with my kids.

almost as good as a snow day

when i first started this school year at a new school, i spent many hours getting acquainted w/ the students. i told them right up front that i couldn't wait for snow and some snow days. they laughed and assured me that i would love working at their school because they always took lots of snow days. this wasn't unbelievable because it was a small rural school that wouldn't be able to run buses on country roads that were too dangerous or would put kids in danger if they had bus trouble or a wreck. teaching in missouri also has some different considerations because the validity of a school day depends upon whether 50% of the student body is present or not. if not, the school day doesn't count even if we had it. administrators are more willing to call off school if the weather is bad rather than risk going to school on a day that doesn't even count.

as winter approached, i was as bad as the students in wanting/praying for a snow day. i watched the weather regularly, hoping for those winter storm fronts moving through and dumping mountains of snow on us or blessing us w/ icy roads. i did the appropriate dances, made the appropriate offerings and prayed to the snow gods, but no luck. there was no snow and no snow days for us. now other schools near us had snow and took snow days, but the weather just seemed to stop about 10 miles from school. just like the snow gods were taunting me with their power. the bad thing was that the schools all around where i lived were out, but i still had to drive down to my school where the weather was fine. big sigh -- no free days off from school.

yeah, i know -- they're not really free as we have to make them up, but they're free in that i'm off work and i don't have to take a personal day or a sick day to get it! well, we were all the way through january and part way through february without any snow days. in fact, i realized that we probably weren't going to get any snow days this year, either. that was so disappointing, too. i was even mouthing my students about how they had misled me by saying "oh, you'll love it here. we have lots of snow days!" they were defending themselves with comments like "well, we always have lots of snow days before!" unfortunately, that wasn't helping me any on getting snow days this year!

i was still lamenting the fact that we hadn't had any snow days to almost everyone that i knew when the weather turned nice last tuesday. the weather was 75 degrees, the sun was shining, and there was just a little breeze. when i went into my friend's room for lunch, i realized how absolutely beautiful the day was. i stood in front of the window, feeling the heat of the sun shining on my face. i told her how happy i was to have my room on the north side of the building because i didn't think i could deal with having the sun shining in all the time. mostly because i tend to get a terminal case of spring fever. i usually feel it coming on, and sometimes i even fight it -- but i usually can't master the disease. what's even worse is that while i was standing there with the sun shining warmth down on my face, i could hear the sound of the trucks on the highway in front of the school. another horrible symtom associated with spring fever struck me with such force i was almost knocked off of my feet -- wanderlust.

the combination of spring fever and wanderlust are definitely a bad combination, making want to just load up in my car and take off for destinations unknown. throwing financial planning/caution to the wind and just taking off and leaving all of my responsibilities behind. the call of the road is very strong most of the time, but the most tempting in the spring in conjunction with the terminal cases of spring fever. standing there at the window, i knew i was heading into trouble with these maladies. i only had 1 personal day and 4.5 sick days left!

while i was standing at the window, soaking up the sun, my co-worker and i heard the students cheering. we could hear the principal's voice on the microphone system, but we couldn't hear what he was saying. whatever it was, the students were really happy with the news. just a couple minutes later, we heard students in the hallway at their lockers. this is a definitely no-no during lunch time as students aren't allowed to leave the lunchroom/commons area during lunch. from the amount of lockers slamming, lots of students were in the hallway. we went out to see what was happening, and the students explained it to us -- the school was being evacuated due to a gas leak. the city had maintenance crews working to replace the water lines in front of the school. the backhoe had hit the gas main line, and natural gas was leaking into the grade school and the middle school. the high school wasn't having any problem, but if school was dismissed then all of the schools would be dismissed. the students and teachers were evacuated from all the building as soon as possible, and school was to be dismissed at 12:30. there had to be some time to call in the bus drivers, alert the media, call the local daycares, and notify as many parents as possible. plus, by holding school until 12:30 would mean that this would count as a full day of school. we wouldn't have to make up any time because of this absence.

by 1 pm, i was on my way home with nothing special to do other than enjoy my time off. it was fantastic! the 45 minute commute was wonderful, the warm sunshine on my skin through the window. all i could think of was getting home, changing clothes, and going outside. i planned to take raven outside and play kickball and run around the yard in the sunshine. having the afternoon off was just the balm that my soul needed. it didn't cure the spring fever and the wanderlust, but it helped to soothe the symptoms for the time being.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

george carlin's "A MODERN MAN"

this poem is from george carlin's when will jesus bring the porkchops? and i was totally impressed w/ his wonderfully advanced skill as a wordsmith. certainly makes a person think!


I'm a modern man,
digital and smoke-free;
a man for the millennium.

A diversified, multi-cultural,
post-modern deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded,
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life.
A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art,
bi-coastal multi-tasker,
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;
and my inner child is outward-bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer;
voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database;
my database is in cyberspace;
so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive,
and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet,
pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message,
and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed;
I've got no urge to binge and purge.
I'm in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant,
and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up;
you can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer,
I'm an over-achiever;
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home;
low-rent, high maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting,
high-definition, fast-acting,
over-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
prematurely post-traumatic,
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
primary-care giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my e-mail.
And the software on my hard drive
is hard-core -- no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped
and vacuum-packed.

And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal,
Lean and mean,
Cocked, locked and ready to rock;
rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin';
jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt;
and I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

just a twinge of a backache

this last week, i thought i was fighting a losing battle w/ a flu bug -- again. but i was giving it a hard run for the money. i thought i had it beat by thursday, and i was just trying to hold out for the weekend to get a little rest. the weekend finally arrived, and i had a wonderful dinner of homemade vegetable soup. i was chatting w/ a couple friends on the internet before dinner, but i needed to get to bed and sleep a couple hours before going to work at the hotel at 11 pm. as i was going to bed, i told summer, "you know, i have just a twinge of a backache. i hope i'm not getting a kidney infection of something."

i went on to bed and slept a couple hours. i awoke at about 9:15 pm, and my back felt fine but i was very cold. i just couldn't get warm. my waterbed was set at 90 degrees, and that's usually warm enough. but not tonight! even with another blanket on top of the blanket and comforter, i was still shivering. not just little shivers, but violent full body shivers that made my teeth chatter. summer wanted me to call in sick to work and go to the emergency room. i didn't want to do that because it's tough to be called in to work the night shift. i knew the person i was relieving couldn't stay late because she had small children staying w/ a babysitter. i don't like to impose on other people, so i planned to go to work and then go to the emergency room after i got off work saturday morning. surely i could hold out for 8 hours!

when it was time to get dressed for work, i just couldn't hardly do it. i was shaking so bad that i couldn't stand up w/o leaning on the bedpost. standing on one leg to put my pants on was just about impossible, but i managed to pull myself together and get dressed. driving to work was quite an experience, as i was shaking terribly and it was hard to concentrate. i managed to calm the shivers down by the time i got to work, but i was feeling so sick that i could hardly stand up. i clocked in and asked angie if she would go to the store and get me some cranberry juice, as i was too sick to stop on my way to work.

my co-worker was convinced that i was too sick to stay at work. she called the assistant manager to ask what to do. she was instructed to call the manager, but she couldn't make contact. she then started calling other people to see if someone could come in and work for me. well, the other guy that works night agreed to come in and my co-worker agreed to stay until he arrived so i could go on to the emergency room. fortunately for me, i arrived at the hospital just in time. by this point, i was so sick i could hardly stand up.

i was taken back to my own room in the emergency room, and the nurse called summer at home to tell her i was in the emergency room. summer called scott in parsons to let him know to come through town and pick me up. i guess i was much sicker than what i realized, starting w/ 103.5 fever when i arrived. no wonder i couldn't get warm. and all i could think of was how nice it would feel to have one of those blankets from the blanket warmer, but they wouldn't let me have one of those. after blood work and some other tests, the verdict was that i had a kidney infection. a really bad kidney infection.

when the doctor was explaining this, he said he was amazed that i was still standing when i arrived because the infection was so bad. then he said, "oh yeah, i forgot how stubborn you are sometimes." so i guess he was saying that i would've given in sooner if i weren't "so damned stubborn". i'm not sure that's a good thing, but it might be true. as soon as the test results were back, they started some antibioties through the IV. when that dose was done and my temperature was down significantly, i was released to go home.

as i was lying there, scott arrived to give me a ride home. i wasn't able to go yet, but he helped me get more comfortable, fed me ice chips, and talked to keep me company. while he was talking, he realized that this was the only time in his life that he had been to the emergency room for someone else. that realization kind of floored me, but after thinking a while on it i realized that it was correct. i had never gone to the emergency room for myself, and summer had never needed it. but scott has had more than his fair share of trips there. in fact, he has been to this emergency room in pittsburg 42 times since 1992. and trust me when i say that he had several trips to emergency rooms in other towns -- either when we lived there or were visiting there.

i was released at about 2 am to come home, with the orders to come back if i felt worse or couldn't keep liquids down. scott picked me up at the door of the emergency room and drove me home. the ride was uncomfortable w/ jostling me around, because my back was really tender and sore at this point. we got home, and i was up and around for a while -- feeling better than i had in several hours. scott and i watched a little tv and ate a krispy kreme donut while he helped me get all settled. scott makes a good caregiver, but sometimes he forgets how strong he is.

i finally slept a couple hours starting around 4 am, and i'm feeling much better today. of course, i'm still sore and my back still hurts, but nothing like it did yesterday! today, i've just rested and worked on the laptop -- cleaning, organizing, emailing, chatting, and writing on my blog. it's been a slow day, as i'm not used to not feeling like being up and around doing my own thing.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

the battle with napoleon

the battle w/ napoleon has been going on for almost 4 years now, but sometimes it rages more intense than other times. lately, we've been in a more intense phase. napoleon is my assistant manager at my second job. she's the typical short person that is searching for control of the world and is often guilty of micromanaging things. she's a nice enough person, but she doesn't realize that her dictatorial attitude doesn't work well w/ some people. specifically, it doesn't work w/ me at all and tends to make me want to rebel more than normal.

well, the story starts out like this. we've recently been having trouble at work w/ people not doing their assigned tasks -- namely, folding laundry. some people are really bad about it, and a couple people haven't been doing their jobs overall. about 3 weeks ago, my manager called in the middle of the night to tell me that her mother had a heart attack and asked me to call the assistant manager (napoleon) in the morning and let her know that she would need to cover for the boss. I did that, and when i talked to the assistant manager, i let her know that the person working before me for the last 4 weekends hadn't been doing her job at all. supposedly, this conversations was in confidence, so i told her honestly what all had been going on. well, the "in confidence" was a total lie, as she went to the other person and said that i had been complaining about her not doing her job. that, for starters, really pissed me off because i don't like to be lied to and i don't like for someone to embroil me in a mess.

that was a sunday morning when we had that conversation that was supposedly "in confidence". the following wednesday night, i was left a basket of laundry to fold while working the night shift. i folded my big yellow bin of towels and left work at 6:30 in the morning (i leave 30 minutes early on school days to allow for the drive time to work). there was a freezing fog that day, so i still didn't get to school until 8:30. i signed off on my papers stating that all my jobs were done when i left. well, friday night at 11 pm when i arrived at work for the next shift i worked, i had a sealed envelope from the assistant manager with a write up in it. according to the write up, i hadn't folded the sheets that were left for me on the previous wednesday night. well, that's believable, since i didn't have any sheets left for me to fold!

needless to say, i was pissed. i was written up for not doing something that wasn't there for me to do. and then on top of that -- even if i hadn't finished folding the laundry, that's not an offense that deserves being written up for when it hasn't been a problem in the past. i was doubly pissed and it was just getting worse as the evening wore on. the person working the shift before me was also the same person that wasn't doing their assigned jobs. not just part of them, but getting absolutely nothing done on them, which is ridiculous. i opened the envelope and saw that i had the write up, and i was just floored. i had no idea or warning it was coming and felt there was no reason for it to begin with. i told the other person that napoleon had left a write up for me (but didn't call her napoleon!), and she said, "yeah, i know. she told me. and she said that if you were mad that you should call her and not the boss b/c of her mother's health." ok, i was already mad about being written up, but then i found that my privacy was violated and the confidentiality of the personnel folder was worthless. i was terribly embarrassed to have this other person, who hadn't been doing her job for several weeks, know that i had been written up and she had suffered no consequences for her lack of performance. it felt very much like a personal attack.

things were bleak already, but as i read the comments on the write up, i was furious. now remember, i was being punished for a situation that didn't exist and then it was announced to another employee. that sucks ass already, but it gets worse. as i'm reading the comments on the write up, napoleon stated that i must complete folding ALL laundry that is left for me, which is not the rules or expectations from the boss. then she says that this is my 2nd write up, and if there is another one that i'll be fired. well, for starters, i had never been written up at work or the write up had never been given to me. i knew that i didn't have a write up, and i was tempted to make her write me up the next night just to prove that she didn't have the power to fire me. she might want to, but i knew that the boss would never let that happen. the boss trusts me too much and relies on my honesty and dependability too much. anyway, i checked the employee handbook, and the rule states that if an employee is written up 3x in 12 months, that employee will be fired. not to be mistaken for 3 write ups built up over a long period of time. i guess she doesn't know what is in my file nor does she know what the employee handbook says.

i started writing a reply as soon as the other employee left work, but i thought it would be better to put it off until my temper cooled down. i took my write up w/ me, planning to talk to the boss the next week when she returned. the next night when i arrived at work, there was a note demanding the write up back. i thought it was my copy to keep, and i didn't have it w/ me. needless to say, it's not like a letter of commendation or an award that i might want to show to people. i left a note in return stating that i thought it was my copy, and i had taken it home and would bring it back the next time i worked. i have to admit to some intentional orneriness here, as my attorney once advised me that possession is 9/10ths of the law. well . . . the only record of the write up was in my possession. h-m-m-m.

a few days later, i called in and talked to the boss and she was very eager to talk to me. i gave her my side of the situation, and she understands the feelings between me and napoleon. she was understanding of my view, but she couldn't really answer for the whys of my write up because she wasn't there. that's understandable. she asked that i talk to napoleon and work things out, and i said i thought it was a waste of my time and that it probably wouldn't happen. she said, "look, all i want is for things to be like they were. i want you guys to get along. i know you've had rough spots before, but you worked them out." i assured her that i would continue to do my job, just as before, but i wasn't going to call napoleon and set up a meeting.

it had been 12 days since the write up when i got a call at school, my real job, from napoleon. she asked if i got her message the previous day, but i hadn't. needless to say, she thought i was avoiding her or so angry at her that i was just not returning her calls. of course, i'm not like that. if i get angry, it's usually over an injustice or an unfairness, and i'm usually over it fairly quickly. well, i still had a little simmering anger burning for napoleon and the situation, but i wasn't worried about it. i had adjusted to the fact of having a write up in my file and had written a response to all the points of contention that i had w/ the actual write up and napoleon's management style. well, the point of her call was to request a meeting w/ me to work some things out. my first beliefs was that the boss was making her do it, but i've later realized that she probably was mostly motivated to do it on her own. although i'm sure the boss let her in on some things that i said during our discussion, such as "i almost turned in my notice over this." or "she behaved unprofessionally and unethically by revealing things from my personnel file." those comments would be good motivators for her to call me and schedule a meeting.

so i finished writing my response to the write up and let it set for a couple days. i did stall a couple days on the meeting, just because i was the one now in power and i knew this was gnawing on her conscience. anyway, i had my response written and ready to go in my file w/ the write up. we met on a thursday afternoon at 4:30 and had a real nice chat. as it turned out, the write up was withdrawn, she apologized, and we worked out our differences. we both realize and acknowledged that our personalities drive the other one nuts some times, and that's just a fact. we both like the other one as a person, we just want to strangle the other one at times.

so, the battle with napoleon has been squelched for the time being, but we'll have to see if another battle is waged in the near future. i imagine that she'll be fairly careful for a while. i'll have to be fairly careful, too, because my rebellious nature would encourage me to take advantage of her sensitivity at this point. life is just full of fun and games, huh?

Monday, February 07, 2005

a mary ass day

i'm not easily embarrassed, but today was a rare day in that category. and to do it up good, it usually takes ME to embarrass myself instead of someone else embarrassing me. that was my luck today with it happening in the main office in front of several other people -- what an experience!

there are several ways to be stupid, with each of them having their own causes and consequences! when i do something stupid and catch myself at it, i have a good laugh but make sure that no one else knows what happened. although sometimes i do something stupid and don't realize it until later -- but i DO realize it on my own at some point. but today's event was the worst -- doing something stupid and not realizing it at all until someone else points it out to me.

i needed to get something printed in the bulletin for the national honor society. i have a hard time making connections w/ mary ann in the office, so i just sent her an email. i zipped off a quick email to her w/ the info that i wanted included in the bulletin and thought all was taken care of. i didn't bother to edit or proofread it -- just sent it. it wasn't long before i found out just how wrong i was . . . . . .

later, as i was walking from the library back to my room, the secretary called out to me when i was near the office. i noticed several people were standing in the office talking seriously debating something and laughing/pointing at mary ann every now and then.

"hey jill!"

"yeah?" and i walked over toward the office window.

"come here."

"yeah?" and i walked over to the window and leaned in for her to tell me something.

"no, come here. walk around and come inside."

"what?" as i walked in the office doors and to mary ann's desk.

"you know how you give me a hard time about not reading my email? and not seeing your email?"


"well, take a look at that email and tell me what's wrong w/ it!"

i thought she was gonig to give me a hard time for being an english teacher and not using any capital letters in my writing. as i leaned closer to the monitor, i saw what caught her attention . . . i had addressed the email to MARY ASS. the bad thing was that she didn't know me well enough to know whether i would do that on purpose or not!

needless to say, i was terribly embarrassed. i had addressed someone by an incorrect name and it was a dirty word as well. my face was burning b/c i was so embarrassed. everyone in the office was having a good laugh at my expense. and the worst part -- i had done it all myself.

i was just having a MARY ASS day!

now, if this had happened to one of my students, i would've said, "see what happens when profanity becomes an accepted part of a person's vocabulary?" i guess it serves me just right!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

serious purse situation . . .

i usually don't give too much thought to my purse and the stuff in it. i mean, i want to have everything i would need in the event that i need it, but i don't worry about how it's arranged and that it's just so-so all the time. but i was having 2nd thoughts on that opinion this sunday morning while sitting in church . . . . .

scott and i had been cleaning out the garage recently and i found some boxes of school stuff that would really work better if they were taken to school and put in my room. we loaded some boxes in the trunk of the van so i could get them moved to school. a few days later, i had car trouble, and my car went into the shop. as it turned out, those boxes had been riding around in the car for about 3 weeks before i started to notice signs of a mouse in the car -- shredded tissues, funny smell, and missing food. i didn't do anything about it at first thinking it would just take care of itself soon. after all, what mouse would want to live in a car?

well, this one did, i guess. the mouse was still living in the car and making a mess for me. last night, i decided to get a peanut butter packet from the hotel and set a trap for the mouse to take care of the situation once and for all. today was kind of a hectic day, as i worked last night at the hotel and was driving the bus this morning to pick up the old ladies for church. that meant that i had about an hour to kill between work and drive time, so i thought it was best to spend that time taking a shower and keeping busy. that way i didn't get too tired.

since i was in a hurry and not going to be too long, i didn't carry my purse into the house while i showered and changed clothes. that's not uncommon, though, as i often leave my stuff in the car while i'm getting ready. i was ready and went on to church to drive the bus and the kids met me at church. so far, everything was going wonderful for the morning. raven was dressed up cute and hamming it up in church for all those people around us.

part way through church, raven decided that she needed some tic tacs from my purse. she scooted over to me and started digging through my purse, looking for treasures. i decided to help her, to keep the tampons and other unmentionables from flying out into the open, when i saw that little package of peanut butter sticking up from the side pocket -- and there was a hole nibbled in the corner of the packet.

i suddenly realized that while i had been in the house taking a shower, the mouse had been in my purse eating peanut butter. the next thought hit me like a steam train -- the mouse might still be in my purse! oh my gawd! i couldn't believe it. i was sitting in church . . . in a place where i couldn't make a scene . . . and i might have a mouse in my purse. the worst part was that raven was diggging in my purse at the moment that thought crashed into my brain!

i reached over and snapped my purse shut, which made raven start gearing up to throw a royal head-banging tantrum. i'm sure she thought i was just being unreasonable, but all i could think of was this little mischievous mouse running around the bottom of my purse just waiting to bite some little probing fingers reaching in for treats. then i couldn't decide whether to find out if i had a mouse in my purse or just leave it shut and deal w/ it after church.

well, since i carry a dooney & bourke purse that was rather expensive, the thought of that little mouse pissing in there was just more than i could stand. so i opened my purse and dug through it completely, hoping to God that the mouse didn't jump out in church where everyone could see it. all i could think of was the ray stevens video where there was a squirrel loose in church and the mayhem that it caused. i had all these nightmare visions of this mouse running through the church causing all kinds of trouble and everyone knowing that this problem arrived at church IN my purse. to my relief, i found that the mouse was not in residence in my purse during church. that meant the little bastard was still in the car!

well, tonight is the little guy's last night on this plane of existense. i already know he likes peanut butter, so i will fix him up a nice little dessert buffet of peanut butter ala mouse trap and put out there for his dining pleasure. i know it makes me sound sick and twisted, but i hope to goodness i go out there tomorrow morning to find his lifeless body on the floor of my car waiting to be disposed of in the most uncaring fashion.

not that i'm such a cold-hearted and uncaring person, but i really don't like cleaning up messes that i didn't make . . . . .

update ----- there will be no more peanut butter ala mouse trap buffets served at night in my car.

would you like a cup of coffee?

the singles life is going fairly much the same -- i'm still single and there are not a lot of guys knocking my door down to change that! of course, i'm not knocking anyone else's door down to change that either! i still have my profile posted at, and i do get the fairly regular offers while working at the hotel -- but that's where my life is right now.

in mid-january, i had a bumper week with 5 people contacting me from my profile at two of them i ruled out immediately based on smoking perferences, ruled another one out based on age (or lack thereof -- he's 27!), and i contacted the other two men back. one never contacted me back, so i scratched him off the list -- and that left jerry. we emailed a few times and then chatted on messenger a few times before he asked if he could call me at home so he could hear a voice. we've talked on the phone a few times now as he's more comfortable w/ that, and we've chatted quite a few times b/c that was convenient for me. i usually have some sort of contact w/ him each day, even if it's not a long contact.

he just started the divorce process 2 months ago, so he has that to contend w/ still. he asked if i thought it was bad that he was looking for someone and wasn't even divorced yet, but i didn't have a real good answer for that. i know that if i did a search and his profile had come up, i would have passed him by b/c it only said "separated" instead of "divorced". i'm not condemning his actions, only stating that i would not pursue a relationship w/ someone who i didn't consider available. anyway, the story is that his marriage was actually over long ago and they just kept it going b/c of the kids. now that the youngest is 16, they couldn't do that anymore.

we had talked about possibly meeting in the future at some point, but he was interested in meeting now. i guess he felt there was no need to keep chatting if we didn't think we might want a relationship later. you know -- if one or both of us found the other repulsive, then it wouldn't be a good thing to think we might meet in the future. now, this was a meeting -- not a date. so we didn't have to plan to spend large amounts of time together. we met at the mall deli for a cup of coffee during sunday school, as i had to go back to church to drive the bus for the old ladies. i didn't tell the kids that i was going anywhere, b/c i didn't feel meeting someone for coffee needed a long explanation. it was broad daylight, on a sunday, in a public place, w/ a person who hadn't felt the least bit threatening at all -- so i just struck out on my own.

he was waiting there when i arrived, and i was anxious to see what he looked like. he had seen 2 pictures of me, but i had only seen 1 picture of him -- and it was about 5 years old. at our ages and nearing mid-life, 5 years can mean some terrible things!!! but in this case i actually liked the "in person" better than the photograph. yes, he looked older than the photograph, but that wasn't a bad thing. from talking on the phone, chatting, and emailing, we had already built up some friendship, so it was not hard to find things to talk about. his company was enjoyable, and we had a nice chat. i guess i passed inspection w/ flying colors as he told me that he would like to take me on a date when his divorce was finished. i have no idea how long that will take, but i'm not in any big hurry so that's fine w/ me.

so far, i have a real good impression of him. he was married for 27 years, but the last 10 years have not been good ones. he has 3 sons, w/ the youngest one still living at home and in high school. he has a career w/ a company in joplin and owns a house in webb city. he has been involved in church for most of his life and raised his children in church. he is real focused on family and involved in the lives of his kids. he is easy to talk to, non-threatening (both physically and emotionally), supportive, and willing to work at a relationship. we can easily talk about any topic in person, on the phone, on chat, or whatever. i don't feel like anything is off-limits. for someone w/ a mouth/brain like mine, this is extrememly attractive. of course i have trust issues from past experiences, but so far alarm bells are not going off there, either. so we'll just see how it goes? that in itself is kind of scary -- for someone like me who has been avoiding these things.

he said, she said

you may remember from a previous post how i said that when it rains, it seems to pour? that things were either feast or famine in my life? well, the singles' saga is coming to a boiling point rather quickly and i'm reminded of why i like my life w/o a significant other involved. after all, it is rather hard to argue w/ yourself about stupid stuff or to try and twist your own words to use against yourself. although that might be an art form of its own, i don't think i'm interested in pursueing it.

well, i've been chatting w/ tony, the 47 y/o that i felt wasn't quite "safe". boy was i right on that one! well, starting about a week ago, it became really annoying b/c it seemed like he was being very critical of me as a person and everything i said. it turned into a situation where i was constantly defending myself. the bad thing is that i only kept chatting w/ him b/c his company/personality/sense of humor was enjoyable. i didn't expect anything to come of the friendship -- as we're too different and too something else, but i'm not sure what it is. he was very into psychobabble and being in touch w/ your feelings and emotions -- to the point of just getting on my last nerve and jumping up and down! the bad thing, though, is that he wanted me to reveal things to him about my life and then he would criticize me or the situation or for not sharing enough OR he would not provide answers to questions about his life. it was certainly a double standard and very unjust!

to me, it started out as a "fun thing" and when it was no longer fun, it was no longer a thing. obviously, this was no longer a fun thing for me when i feel like every converstation was an emotionally entangled situation involving manipulations and word games. definitely not the situation i'm looking for in life. and of course, if i had just quit being so stubborn and admit that the fault was mine, things would have been fine. obviously, that doesn't fit w/ my personality! i found that not only is he dangerous, he's a real jackass when he's not getting his way ==> which makes him a dangerous jackass. he's also mean-spirited, destructive, and vindictive to throw in a few more adjectives. definitely not my cup of tea!!! now, the thing that was just for fun is no longer a thing.

biggest problem is that i just can't seem to get him scraped off the bottom of my shoe . . . . . i've deleted him from my chat box, deleted him from my email box, had never revealed to him the location of my home or the places i work -- so email and chat are the only ways for him to harass me now.

Here he is pressing for me to reveal my feelings . . . . .

tony : See I know something is up in that head of yours...but your not gonna even share with me..huh.
jill: i just did share it -- some times i wonder if you're having a good time chatting w/ me.
tony : Why... gee I stay up all hours of the night ..just so I can talk with you. I have spent a many hour talking with you ...don't think that would happen if I didn't want to talk with you. But your still not sharing with me...(I feel as though).
jill: oh please! i talk all the time, i answer all your questions. it's not like i'm leading/living a secret life here!
tony : Well there is something wrong....But I won't press the issue. (not say this with any type of anger..bad fellings..)..just expressing what I feel..hope that doesn't brother you.
jill: the truth never bothers me -- especially if it's w/o anger.
jill: you're certainly entitled to your own opinion and i'm fine w/ that.

now he’s needing some ego-booster . . .

tony : Was wondering if it would bother you if we had no contact.
jill: of course it would. would it not bother you any?
tony : I feel you know that answer without me answering it.....I feel like it is you that doesn't show your feelings.

here's an example of his willingness to communicate . . . . .

jill: how long has it been since you were in an intimate relationship?
tony: WHAT do you mean by asking that???
jill: my question was asking how long since you've had sex, got laid, made love -- whatever term you want to use.
tony: That is irrevelant.

tony : If you think it is a big deal....a long time....but I'm not 16 I look before I jump.

and now an opportunity to see his reaction to my lack of information provided . . . . .

tony : So is that your answer to my question?
jill: i guess so. about as helpful as "that's irrelevant"
jill: or "a long time"
tony : I haven't counted the days.
tony : Whatever ,,I wouldn't want you to express any feelings for me.

pushing for more info and more “feelings” . . . . .

tony : If I said that
tony : I'm sorry.. I have no right to ask you questions of that nature. Did't mean to put you on the defensive.
jill: it puts me on the defensive when you want me to answer questions and reveal my feelings, but you don't provide answers or reveal feelings.
jill: you've heard the old saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"?
tony : And I am sorry you feel that way. I don't understand why your saying I don't answer your questions and reveal my feelings...but I'm not going to argue about this, I asked what I thought was a simple question .

MORE push for info and “feelings” . . . . .

jill: i answered your question. i guess you just didn't like my answer.
tony : Jill ..I felt there was alot of tension about that question ...and I not sure why. I know we haven't met in person...maybe that is what it is.
jill: maybe the tension is w/ you?
tony : I just don't want there to be that feeling between us.
tony : Must be me.

Obviously jill doesn’t have a clue about communicating and needs it explained to her again . . . . .
tony : it's ok ...i just don't know if you understand...;
jill: i think i do, but i'm just saying that not all pain is intentional.
tony : it's ok...i just don't want to fight and argue and hurt each other...i know there are ways to avoid alot of that in a relationship...if the both are willing to do it...sometimes i'm sure it isn't the easiest thing to do

please tell me again how important i am to your life . . . . .

tony : .was wondering if you read those stupid reports..that i sent
jill: stupid? why? b/c they didn't make you sound perfect?
tony : no because it could be you think they said nothing bout them...
tony : i'm not perfect...anyway...i don't send the ones that really make me bad
jill: no, i don't think they're stupid. i don't think they're something to rearrange my life to accommodate, but interesting.
jill: i've enjoyed reading them. quite interesting -- i told you that.

tony : i'm sure not trying to rearrange your life...thought you might get a kick out of it...guess i'll just have to quit thinking so much bout ya
jill: hey -- don't start this business!
tony : you in a bad mood
jill: i said i enjoy them. i wasn't saying anything about YOU when i said that.
tony : not starting no business ...darling
jill: i just meant that i don't "believe" in it. i don't book my trust in it.
tony : just playing with you...but if you don't feel like playing..i won't play
tony : you may not feel well..hard to tell from here
jill: no, you can play. i just didn't want to be argueing w/ you.
tony : wasn't even thinking of it...but i feel like you are tired....have something on your mind...busy...preoccupied...i don't know...just don't want to be a bother to you if you have things to do...
jill: kind of busy. constant stream of business tonight.
tony : if you would like..we can talk later ...when you have time.
jill: we can talk now if you're patient enough to wait on me a little.
tony : ok..but i'm gonna be sanding..painting..whatever i can get some thing done whilw waiting...if i don't send a message right back ...that will be the reason.
jill: ok. well, we can log off if you want to do your own thing?
tony : this is my not feeling well?

can't teach an old know-it-all dog any new tricks . . . . .

jill: so i take it you're not open to new ideas?
tony : you really think they can teach me something
jill: i don't know . . . you really think they can't?
tony : never afraid to improve on a good thing
jill: ah, and there i thought you were just not open to new ideas. after all, you've been fairly resistant to this idea!

his view on parenting and dealing w/ the school system . . . . . (a teacher/administrator’s nightmare!!!)

tony : Yea..some...he could not find his name tag this missed the bus...the can get detention if they don't have their name tags visible on their body....know what I say ...just let-em try it..then they'll be dealing with me. (my antivirus was updating..had to wait)
jill: ah. i like the name tag business in that it saves time for attendance and lunch line stuff.
jill: and it's great when teachers/admin wear them b/c you know who is safe to be in the building.

tony : I know Jill...but their always trying to scare the kids by threats and all(if you don't do this than we’re gonna punish you)
jill: i understand -- but if there is no consequence, what motivation is there?
jill: and it's the same for adults
tony : Ok Jill,, I understand..and you are a that may make it harder for you to understand how and why I feel this way...and this has no reflection toward you ...I don't think of you as a teacher when I'm talking with relationship with you is as a friend (at the least) I can't help it if I get rather upset when I see my kids being afraid because of what the school has told have stress too...alot of times teachers...principals..can make it even harder for them...when I see my kids scared makes me mad.
jill: true, and as a parent i understand that. but try and imagine the day of a teacher -- put into a room w/ 25 or so kids from various homes and levels of society, sometimes w/ little real control over how they behave or not.
jill: believe it or not -- kids don't always act as their parents would wish. and mine were just as guilty of that as other people's kids.
jill: but what is a teacher to do (as she does her job) to encourage, manuever, force kids to behave in an appropriate manner?
jill: or "as he does his job"
jill: and believe me, i went to bat for my kids at school when i felt they were mistreated.
jill: but i didn't stick up for them when they received a punishment for being an idiot.

tony : As I said this is a bad subject for us to talk about...especially on this computer...your a teacher dear...don't like bad vibes between us,,,darling...I'd rather talk to you bout something your wearing today.....or are you ready to set up a meeting...?!!
jill: ah, so you can't see the other side of the situation?
tony : Yes..I see that side of it ..babe...I just think it better if we talk about this in person so I can explain why I feel the way I you miss me today

wanting me to spend time w/ him and set up a meeting . . . . . and then acting as if the evening were not enough time to allow for him . . . . .

tony : Gee imagine the whole evening..!
jill: be nice!
jill: i have to have time to get home, sleep some, get up and get ready for work, and then commute again!

tony : But I am..and good too.
jill: i was previously involved w/ someone who was jealous of my time, and every time i was w/ him he griped b/c i wasn't w/ him enough.
jill: guess what? made me not want to be w/ him at all!!!

tony : How long ago was that?
jill: a while. i've been living this double work life for about 4 years.
tony : A while...well that does pretty well narrow it down.
tony : I'd say....somewhere in the last four years...probably.
jill: well, at least i didn't tell you "that's irrelevant" like you did to me!
tony : it probably was
jill: ah, i see. so when i wonder when you were last w/ a lover -- that's irrelevant. but when you wonder when i was and i say "a while", you're not satisfied w/ that answer?

tony : If your refering to when the last time I've had sex.......let me count the days....real close to one year and seven months.
tony : Don'tget moody on me now..!
jill: i'm not moody -- i just don't care for different expectations that you are willing to live by.
jill: and as for moody -- that's definitely NOT a problem that i have

tony : That's not nice,
jill: hey, i'm just trying to figure out the playing rules here.
tony : I am not like that..I tell you all kinds of things.
jill: if there is a misunderstanding -- feel free to set me straight.
jill: yeah, when you want to.
tony : I really don't want you feeling that way....if you are I hope that will change.

once again – it’s all about moods and emotions . . . . .

tony : What mood are we in tonight?
jill: i don't know about you, but i'm fine.

another “tell me all your problems and emotions” session . . . . .

tony : So you not going to tell me about it..huh?
jill: in a nutshell? my mgr is out w/ her father's illness.
jill: the asst mgr is a "little napoleon" and has control issues.
jill: i have "i-don't-want-to-be-controlled" issues.
tony : I wish you were having a better night....
jill: oh well, those things happen.
tony : Sorry I said what I did...sure didn't mean or want to offend you.
jill: not offended. so choose another topic.
tony : Maybe you just don't feel like talking tonight.
jill: yeah, i can talk, but just choose a topic.
tony : Well what shall we talk about?
jill: how about the weather?

Expectations for a possible meetin . . . . . ?

jill: but just so you know -- i'm not interested in meeting an octopus. there are enough of those at my other job!
tony : sure your wanting to meet me?
jill: are you telling me you're an octopus? or that i have to be worried about my personal safety in your presence?
tony : I'm not saying either one...I am just feeling negative vibes from you...I wish you would cheer up..and be happy...if I'm feeling wrong I apoloize...earlier today when we talked were in a better mood...except for being a little unorganised.

And now everything is MY fault and he has done nothing wrong or offensive – I’m just being a bitch for no good reason, I guess. . . . . .

tony : Hey ..I give up..I don't think there would be anything I could say that you would be happy with tonight....really sorry your feeling this way. I was really looking forward to talking with you tonight. If I was applying pressure upon you ..I'm terribly sorry...last thing I want to do is make anything harder for ya,,guess I just wasn't smart enough to realise it.
jill: then i guess that means you're telling me goodbye?
tony : I almost feel as though that is what you would like. But that isn't what i SAID.
jill: no, what you said was "there is nothing i can say tonight to make you happy . . . i'm not smart enough to realise it"
jill: which translates (in my book) to "no matter what i say, you're bitchy/unhappy tonight. plus, i want you to reinforce my feelings of security in my own knowledge by telling me i am smart enough to realize it, but that it's really just your own fault."
jill: i don't play word games -- it gets dangerous.
tony : Ok.Jill
jill: ok what?
tony : You think I'm playing games?
jill: ok then what did you expect as a reply to "i just wasn't smart enough to realise it"?
tony : Because I don't see where I was applying any pressure on you.
jill: well, you were obviously not happy w/ my "chatting ability" nor my "mood" tonight.
tony : I don't want to fight with you Jill..and I won't...I care about you and I'm not going to argue, Not what I wanted for us.
jill: fine. that's a good choice.
jill: i'm logging off. talk to you later maybe.
tony : Is this your way of saying,,,you would rather not meet?
jill: no, it's not. if i wanted to say that i would say "tony, i don't want to meet you."
jill: are you thinking that i can't clearly express my thoughts/feelings/wants?

now he's fishing for reconciliation -- or at least for me to admit how wrong i was . . . . . .


tony: Looking for me?
tony: JUst happened to be on..getting ready to leave.
jill: no, that would be a waste of time -- you rarely show up as "visible" anyway.
jill: like now -- you're not visible
tony: I'm not chatting with anyone..
tony: but you
jill: well, you weren't chatting w/ me last night -- you just disappeared.
tony: I was very sad
jill: too sad to say "goodbye" or "i'm logging out" or "i think we better talk later"?
jill: that's pretty sad.
jill: having the same problem?

tony: You are very good with words my darling...sometimes words can hurt..Last thing I ever want is for me to make you feel pain...I looked forward to talking to you before 11...I wanted to talk to happy ..feel good and for you to feel that way too..Anything I said to you ..I feel you turned into something it wasn't ..I couldn't get close to you at all..I tried ..but you wouldn't allow it. I didn't want to say goodbye..and I couldn't talk to you either..even though I wanted to ..You may not understand what I'm saying here..but it is not a put down. .or saying bad things of you ..I don't know how you have been feeling ,,but I haven't been feeling too happy..Thought we were closer than trhat,
jill: i guess not. i don't like to feel criticized, as i'm sure you don't either.
jill: especially if you already know i'm having a rough time.
jill: that just opens me up and reveals more things for someone to criticize.
tony: I was just wondering how you felt....You feel as though I did those things to you..Sorry you feel that way...I know I wasn't...why you feel this way ..I have no idea..sorry you had a bad night...but that wasn't my fault...if you want to push me away ...then that is what you want and your decision.
jill: true, that is my decision to make -- and if i feel that way, i'll make that decision.
jill: but i don't like having that challenge/choice thrown up all the time. i'm capable of deciding what my options are w/o having them pointed out to me. that makes me feel like you want me to remind you of your own self-worth and tell you again how much i enjoy your company and chatting w/ you.
jill: that's not pushing you away -- that's just not begging you to spend time w/ me.
tony: I don't want this between us ..don't want these kind of feelings...I did like the feeling we had..or maybe it was only I that felt that way. I don't like this at all..I wanted to see you to meet you...But I want you to feel that way also. I thought you did ..maybe you do..what do you want me to say Jill....don't want you to beg me for nothin,,,don't need you to feel unworthy..
tony: Can't control ya..don't want to....can't make you feel things you don't...wouldn't want to..
jill: i have the feeling of being cornered. pressured. criticized.
jill: and i don't care for it.
jill: then when i offer an answer, i get the "well maybe we shouldn't meet after all. maybe you don't really want to. i thought you did. maybe you decided not to. maybe i'm just not smart enough to realize is."
jill: and then i have a whole other barrage of things to answer for.
jill: and it's amazing that we haven't always had these problems w/ communication. but if i say anything that upsets you too bad, you're just "not there" anymore. no answer, no goodbye, no nothing.
jill: so what motivation does that give me to communicate something intimate? or say the truth, even though i know you won't like it?
tony: So how long have you been feeling this way.
jill: since last weekend. go back and look at our conversations and you'll notice a distinct change there. suddenly i'm on the defensive about so many things. i told you that i enjoyed our time and was looking for an enjoyable time. when it's no longer enjoyable, i'm no longer interested.
jill: i'm not interested in any type relationship that involved entangled emotions w/ conversations defending myself all the time. i'm interested in being w/ someone who likes to be w/ me, not someone who wants to point out all my faults, shortcomings, and deficiencies. someone who is positive about life, our relationship, and me.
jill: is this another one of those "too sad to reply" times?
jill: if so, i'm just wasting my time sitting here waiting on a response.

tony: Ok,,my darling..not much I can say to that dear, If you feel I do these things to you...maybe I am a waste of your time.
jill: funny, i didn't feel that way before last weekend.
jill: and of course, you don't see it at all, huh?
tony: Funny I never felt that way...but you do.
jill: probably b/c you're not on the receiving end of the criticism?
tony: You know Jill ..I didn't ,,don't want this...but I want you to be happy..
jill: i could, if you were not giving me such a hard time.
tony: Seems I not making you happy..
tony: I wanted to.
jill: not what you're on my case
tony: I'm not trying to be on your case.
tony: Seems I can't express how I feel..without you feeling that way..
tony: I don't want you feeling bad.
jill: then maybe it would be better for us to quit this relationship where it is before any more negative feelings are associated w/ it.
tony: If that is best for you and what your heart feels...
jill: why don't you think about what you'll willing to invest and we'll chat about it later?
tony: Takes two ..darlin.
jill: true -- it does. but i don't want to be in a subordinate role. i want to be w/ someone that can deal w/ me as an equal partner.
jill: think about it. i'll talk to you later.

Yet another recounting of my faults and attempted enlightenment . . . . .

jill: well, i didn't feel like our chats have gone well the last couple of times. i thought you were unhappy w/ me and would probably not want to experience that again soon.
tony: What you say is true...I am unhappy with the way you have been treating me..and I don't want to experience that. I did miss you Jill..but not the way you have been treating me,
jill: and you feel it's totally w/o reason?
jill: that your actions or words have done nothing to cause this reaction from me?
tony: No I don't feel I've done anything to deserve the reaction your having.
jill: ah, i see. then the whole situation is "just me" then.
tony: Not gonna go there Jill.
jill: no need to. i don't have much use for people that cannot accept responsibility for their own actions and admit when they have been wrong.
jill: i certainly don't want to head into a relationship w/ someone like that.
tony: I see your the same as you were..
tony: Don't want to waste your time.
jill: what? not thinking you're perfect? expecting someone to treat me w/ respect.
jill: yeah, i am.
jill: if that's the way it is, there is probably no need for us to chat again.
jill: when i have wronged someone, i am certainly willing to apologize and i expect the same courtesy in return.
tony: I’m not perfect..but I didn't do anything to you last night..except try to cheer you up..there was no talking with you at matter how hard I tried..
jill: then there is no need for you to waste more of your time.
tony: So be it.
jill: goodbye, it was nice to have met you.
tony: Some day maybe you'll learn you have to give to receive.
tony: Delete
jill: and maybe some day you'll learn to accept responsibility for your own actions.
jill: good luck to you.
tony: I did accept my actions..maybe you should take a look at yourself.
jill: if you want to delete me, do it. it not, then say so.
tony: Happy Valentines Day ..Darling
tony: How many times do you want me to say I'm sorry.
tony: I sure haven't heard you say anything about you having any fault.
jill: once when you admit/realize that you did something i found offensive.
jill: i never had the opportunity. when i broached the subject, you said, "i'm not going there."

tony: Looks like were here.
jill: that's ok. i'm rereading our chat from earlier where you're saying that you unhappy w/ the way i'm treating you and you feel that you've done nothing to deserve it.
tony: Oh what ever
tony: Why do you ask stupid questions?
tony: Ok. Jill..,...I can't understand why you would be treating me like you said.
tony: I'm really sorry you feel that way.
jill: me, too.
tony: I just think your afraid of or don't want to share your feelings and life,
jill: you are certainly entitled to your opinion.
tony: Good night,,Jill...too bad you have to be so stubborn.
jill: so stubborn in that i'm not going to act as if you're faultless? to act as if i don't have feelings? to act as if there are not things in life that i want?
tony: And that I'm not the person you thought I was.
tony: Don't worry I'm not sad.
jill: i'm not worried.
tony: That I knew.
tony: Good Night
tony: Hey I'm even gonna let you have the last word.
*****you don’t know how hard it was for me to let this one go by w/o some smart ass answer! *****
tony: Know you couldn't live without it
tony: You’ll never understand.

Desparate last ditch attempt to reconcile . . . . or at least show me how wrong i am in my opinions?

tony: You having a nice day?
tony: I said,,Hi babe,,sweetheart ,,darling..
jill: hey, what's up?

jill: how big is your house?

tony : Came home put in a load of laundry....put a turkey in the oven.
tony: Not big enough darlin.
jill: thanks, that was helpful in trying to envision it.
tony: Oh.come on...It is just a simple little old house...has English Ivy growing on the north side.
tony: I redoing the inside totally....getting ready to start foundation work to add a couple rooms.
jill: oh, sounds like you have it all planned out.
tony: I've been wanting to envision you...dear..!
jill : are you inviting me over to your house?
tony: Been thinking about you while I've been gone.
jill : oh yeah? is that your way of avoiding answering the question i asked?
tony: Can I get this place lined out a little bit first?
tony: NO...I don't avoid you...please don't think or say that.
jill: no problem, it would be a while before i would want to anyway.
jill: no hurries there.
tony: you don't want to..huh..
jill: not for a while.
jill: maybe later?
tony: So are you still judging me...
tony: I'm going to have to unload the wood off of the truck and go get another load. So I won't be able to talk long.
tony: Wanted to talk to you..but you may not feel that way.
jill: had to walk to the library.
jill: am i still "judging you"? what does that mean?

tony: When you told me you missed me Sunday morning..when you were at work..(remember?) it kinda made my heart melt....I don't know..I probably shouldn't be telling you this. Oh well.
jill: that's nice. i'm glad.
tony: "not for a while" " maybe later " is what I mean...makes me feel that way...I want to be able to tell you how I feel and what I think without you feeling threatened or upset.
jill: i would like to get to know you before i'm invivted over to your house.
jill: and that'll be a while yet. it was nothing more than that.

tony: I going to have to go you want to talk latter?
jill: if i'm online. not sure if i'll be able to use the computer tonight of if i'll have to share it w/ the kids.
tony: Ok....
tony: you didn't even say IF you wanted to talk to me.......was just thinking that I never hear anything about your good feelings...
tony: I don't know why you feel that way,,Jill
jill: b/c that's what you do to me -- you criticize my answers and/or my feelings.
jill : i guess i can't do it.
tony : Right at this moment I'm not sure exactly what part,,,,your talking about...I know we need to talk....."guess i can't " means no to me. (can't never could) What I want to know is(putting all of your fears and everything else to the side,,,just for a minute) what and how do you feel?
tony: Do you still miss me?
tony: I don't like asking this.
jill: i don't miss the time we spent this last weekend. it was not pleasant.
tony: I don't either.
jill: and i felt like you criticized me and attacked me personally.
tony: I asked how you felt. (above)
jill: if i'm not who/what you want -- i understand. you can move on w/o trying to destroy who/what i am.
tony: I felt that way also
tony: I don't even know (with what I've said to you) how you can even say that.
tony : If you have no feelings for me ...ok...I need to know.
jill: i'm used to living w/ my feelings guarded -- not revealed.
jill: i ventured, i lost, i'm regrouping.

tony: You have not ventured or lost any more than I have,,and this is not all my you feel it is? But I felt that there was connection between us....I know what I feel for you...And I think you have feelings for me......this isn't the easiest thing for me to do,,.saying these takes two...Jill...
jill: i know it's not easy for you. and i never said it was all your fault. but if there is a problem, i think it should be discussed openly and honestly rather than "i'm not going there".
jill: i'm not interested in someone who insults me as a person b/c i don't agree w/ his opinion.

tony: yes darling
tony: I didn't want to argue with you any more.
jill: but i'm not interested in being involved w/ someone who denies any wrongdoing or refuses to admit to any wrongdoing..
tony: I've have already said we need to talk.
jill: and "i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" says something totally different than "i'm sorry you feel that way"
tony: yes it does
jill: i'm sorry, i thought we were talking.
jill: did you mean to talk at some other time?
jill: you might as well know -- i'm not willing to be submissive unless i choose to. i stand up for what i believe in, regardless of whether it's popular or not. being mean to me will not make me change my mind or my self-worth.
jill: only i give myself "self"-worth -- not the approval/acceptance of someone else.

tony: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings,,Jill.......
jill: thank you.
tony: I'm not trying to give or take anything to or from you....except maybe give you affection,,,,,,but I can't take affection from you...has to be given
tony: If you don't feel anything ..Jill then I need to quit bleeding all over the place....
jill: but i don't like it that you "turned on me" when you were upset. i'm not interested in having my person shredded any time you get upset.
jill: i would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be tied to someone who does not treat me w/ respect.
tony: I tried...Jill...but you can't see what you were doing to me
jill : and am i doing that by being mean to you? insulting you? taunting you?
tony: You can't remember the things you said to me?
jill: tell me what you find offensive
tony: So you feel that it is just I'm a shark....just a mean...person ,,just wanting to destroy you....
jill: never did feel you were just a mean person. never felt you were mean until we disagreed, and then i felt you used that as a weapon to hurt me.
tony: Only after I was hurt....
jill: well, i felt that only dangerously made the situation worse.
tony: I kept telling you I don't want to do this
jill: it didn't resolve anything, only made things worse.
jill: we can't just ignore it. it won't go away.
tony: I said I don't it to be this way between us
jill: ok, so are you telling me that right now you don't want to discuss this?
tony: I told you then....before..
jill: so then are you saying that if we just don't talk about this and don't discuss that things will just be fine?
tony: Your were already in a bad mood...
jill: i was not in a bad mood. i am not a moody person.
tony: You were that night
jill: just b/c you don't get things your way doesn't mean that I am in a bad mood.
tony: When do I ever get my way?
jill: are you going to stay on the topic?
tony: You are putting all the blame back on me.
jill: no, i'm not blaming anyone. "you" statements place blame.
jill: if i said "you did this" and "you did that" -- that's blaming.
tony: Well tell me then ..what you feel you could have done differently to help prevent all this between us.
jill: i could have more openly shared my feelings, and i didn't because i felt pressured and crowded.
jill: and what could YOU have done?

tony: Before I do that,,,,,I don't understand how that could have helped prevent what happened......and your saying you felt pressured and crowded by me? I feel the best way to talk about this is for the both of us to get a copy of that nights we can actually see what were talking about.
jill: well, obviously, i'm not doing well at this again.
jill: you ask what i could've done and i answered.
jill: i asked what you could have done, and you defer until later.
jill: i don't think we need to pick the whole conversation apart word by word to understand how we feel.
jill: i think i'm just not the right kind of person for you.

tony: So what I think and feel doesn't matter.
tony: And if you are feeling and thinking what you say....
jill: it's true. i think you are looking for someone different that my personality type.
jill: as a guy, if someone pushes you -- you push back. i was raised the same way. but most girls, if pushed, they pull back.
jill: that's not me. not naturally and not forced.
jill: i'm at a position in life where i'm not willing to give up my own identity and intelligence to be a part of a couple.
jill: i have goals/dreams/plans in life for myself -- and being a submissive partner always taking the blame for every incident or misstated word isn't included.

tony: Ok..enough said.......

since the end of this conversation on monday, february 7, 2005, the only messages i have received are just taunts and nasty statements. and i wonder if he realized that even if i had been interested in him in the beginning that i definitely wouldn't be now after seeing what an ass he is when he doesn't get his way. i am again reminded of how nice it is to be going through life on my own knowing i don' t have this shit to look forward to!

and people think i'm a little bit jaded? trust me -- i'm more than just a little bit!