Sunday, February 06, 2005

he said, she said

you may remember from a previous post how i said that when it rains, it seems to pour? that things were either feast or famine in my life? well, the singles' saga is coming to a boiling point rather quickly and i'm reminded of why i like my life w/o a significant other involved. after all, it is rather hard to argue w/ yourself about stupid stuff or to try and twist your own words to use against yourself. although that might be an art form of its own, i don't think i'm interested in pursueing it.

well, i've been chatting w/ tony, the 47 y/o that i felt wasn't quite "safe". boy was i right on that one! well, starting about a week ago, it became really annoying b/c it seemed like he was being very critical of me as a person and everything i said. it turned into a situation where i was constantly defending myself. the bad thing is that i only kept chatting w/ him b/c his company/personality/sense of humor was enjoyable. i didn't expect anything to come of the friendship -- as we're too different and too something else, but i'm not sure what it is. he was very into psychobabble and being in touch w/ your feelings and emotions -- to the point of just getting on my last nerve and jumping up and down! the bad thing, though, is that he wanted me to reveal things to him about my life and then he would criticize me or the situation or for not sharing enough OR he would not provide answers to questions about his life. it was certainly a double standard and very unjust!

to me, it started out as a "fun thing" and when it was no longer fun, it was no longer a thing. obviously, this was no longer a fun thing for me when i feel like every converstation was an emotionally entangled situation involving manipulations and word games. definitely not the situation i'm looking for in life. and of course, if i had just quit being so stubborn and admit that the fault was mine, things would have been fine. obviously, that doesn't fit w/ my personality! i found that not only is he dangerous, he's a real jackass when he's not getting his way ==> which makes him a dangerous jackass. he's also mean-spirited, destructive, and vindictive to throw in a few more adjectives. definitely not my cup of tea!!! now, the thing that was just for fun is no longer a thing.

biggest problem is that i just can't seem to get him scraped off the bottom of my shoe . . . . . i've deleted him from my chat box, deleted him from my email box, had never revealed to him the location of my home or the places i work -- so email and chat are the only ways for him to harass me now.

Here he is pressing for me to reveal my feelings . . . . .

tony : See I know something is up in that head of yours...but your not gonna even share with me..huh.
jill: i just did share it -- some times i wonder if you're having a good time chatting w/ me.
tony : Why... gee I stay up all hours of the night ..just so I can talk with you. I have spent a many hour talking with you ...don't think that would happen if I didn't want to talk with you. But your still not sharing with me...(I feel as though).
jill: oh please! i talk all the time, i answer all your questions. it's not like i'm leading/living a secret life here!
tony : Well there is something wrong....But I won't press the issue. (not say this with any type of anger..bad fellings..)..just expressing what I feel..hope that doesn't brother you.
jill: the truth never bothers me -- especially if it's w/o anger.
jill: you're certainly entitled to your own opinion and i'm fine w/ that.

now he’s needing some ego-booster . . .

tony : Was wondering if it would bother you if we had no contact.
jill: of course it would. would it not bother you any?
tony : I feel you know that answer without me answering it.....I feel like it is you that doesn't show your feelings.

here's an example of his willingness to communicate . . . . .

jill: how long has it been since you were in an intimate relationship?
tony: WHAT do you mean by asking that???
jill: my question was asking how long since you've had sex, got laid, made love -- whatever term you want to use.
tony: That is irrevelant.

tony : If you think it is a big deal....a long time....but I'm not 16 I look before I jump.

and now an opportunity to see his reaction to my lack of information provided . . . . .

tony : So is that your answer to my question?
jill: i guess so. about as helpful as "that's irrelevant"
jill: or "a long time"
tony : I haven't counted the days.
tony : Whatever ,,I wouldn't want you to express any feelings for me.

pushing for more info and more “feelings” . . . . .

tony : If I said that
tony : I'm sorry.. I have no right to ask you questions of that nature. Did't mean to put you on the defensive.
jill: it puts me on the defensive when you want me to answer questions and reveal my feelings, but you don't provide answers or reveal feelings.
jill: you've heard the old saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"?
tony : And I am sorry you feel that way. I don't understand why your saying I don't answer your questions and reveal my feelings...but I'm not going to argue about this, I asked what I thought was a simple question .

MORE push for info and “feelings” . . . . .

jill: i answered your question. i guess you just didn't like my answer.
tony : Jill ..I felt there was alot of tension about that question ...and I not sure why. I know we haven't met in person...maybe that is what it is.
jill: maybe the tension is w/ you?
tony : I just don't want there to be that feeling between us.
tony : Must be me.

Obviously jill doesn’t have a clue about communicating and needs it explained to her again . . . . .
tony : it's ok ...i just don't know if you understand...;
jill: i think i do, but i'm just saying that not all pain is intentional.
tony : it's ok...i just don't want to fight and argue and hurt each other...i know there are ways to avoid alot of that in a relationship...if the both are willing to do it...sometimes i'm sure it isn't the easiest thing to do

please tell me again how important i am to your life . . . . .

tony : .was wondering if you read those stupid reports..that i sent
jill: stupid? why? b/c they didn't make you sound perfect?
tony : no because it could be you think they said nothing bout them...
tony : i'm not perfect...anyway...i don't send the ones that really make me bad
jill: no, i don't think they're stupid. i don't think they're something to rearrange my life to accommodate, but interesting.
jill: i've enjoyed reading them. quite interesting -- i told you that.

tony : i'm sure not trying to rearrange your life...thought you might get a kick out of it...guess i'll just have to quit thinking so much bout ya
jill: hey -- don't start this business!
tony : you in a bad mood
jill: i said i enjoy them. i wasn't saying anything about YOU when i said that.
tony : not starting no business ...darling
jill: i just meant that i don't "believe" in it. i don't book my trust in it.
tony : just playing with you...but if you don't feel like playing..i won't play
tony : you may not feel well..hard to tell from here
jill: no, you can play. i just didn't want to be argueing w/ you.
tony : wasn't even thinking of it...but i feel like you are tired....have something on your mind...busy...preoccupied...i don't know...just don't want to be a bother to you if you have things to do...
jill: kind of busy. constant stream of business tonight.
tony : if you would like..we can talk later ...when you have time.
jill: we can talk now if you're patient enough to wait on me a little.
tony : ok..but i'm gonna be sanding..painting..whatever i can get some thing done whilw waiting...if i don't send a message right back ...that will be the reason.
jill: ok. well, we can log off if you want to do your own thing?
tony : this is my not feeling well?

can't teach an old know-it-all dog any new tricks . . . . .

jill: so i take it you're not open to new ideas?
tony : you really think they can teach me something
jill: i don't know . . . you really think they can't?
tony : never afraid to improve on a good thing
jill: ah, and there i thought you were just not open to new ideas. after all, you've been fairly resistant to this idea!

his view on parenting and dealing w/ the school system . . . . . (a teacher/administrator’s nightmare!!!)

tony : Yea..some...he could not find his name tag this missed the bus...the can get detention if they don't have their name tags visible on their body....know what I say ...just let-em try it..then they'll be dealing with me. (my antivirus was updating..had to wait)
jill: ah. i like the name tag business in that it saves time for attendance and lunch line stuff.
jill: and it's great when teachers/admin wear them b/c you know who is safe to be in the building.

tony : I know Jill...but their always trying to scare the kids by threats and all(if you don't do this than we’re gonna punish you)
jill: i understand -- but if there is no consequence, what motivation is there?
jill: and it's the same for adults
tony : Ok Jill,, I understand..and you are a that may make it harder for you to understand how and why I feel this way...and this has no reflection toward you ...I don't think of you as a teacher when I'm talking with relationship with you is as a friend (at the least) I can't help it if I get rather upset when I see my kids being afraid because of what the school has told have stress too...alot of times teachers...principals..can make it even harder for them...when I see my kids scared makes me mad.
jill: true, and as a parent i understand that. but try and imagine the day of a teacher -- put into a room w/ 25 or so kids from various homes and levels of society, sometimes w/ little real control over how they behave or not.
jill: believe it or not -- kids don't always act as their parents would wish. and mine were just as guilty of that as other people's kids.
jill: but what is a teacher to do (as she does her job) to encourage, manuever, force kids to behave in an appropriate manner?
jill: or "as he does his job"
jill: and believe me, i went to bat for my kids at school when i felt they were mistreated.
jill: but i didn't stick up for them when they received a punishment for being an idiot.

tony : As I said this is a bad subject for us to talk about...especially on this computer...your a teacher dear...don't like bad vibes between us,,,darling...I'd rather talk to you bout something your wearing today.....or are you ready to set up a meeting...?!!
jill: ah, so you can't see the other side of the situation?
tony : Yes..I see that side of it ..babe...I just think it better if we talk about this in person so I can explain why I feel the way I you miss me today

wanting me to spend time w/ him and set up a meeting . . . . . and then acting as if the evening were not enough time to allow for him . . . . .

tony : Gee imagine the whole evening..!
jill: be nice!
jill: i have to have time to get home, sleep some, get up and get ready for work, and then commute again!

tony : But I am..and good too.
jill: i was previously involved w/ someone who was jealous of my time, and every time i was w/ him he griped b/c i wasn't w/ him enough.
jill: guess what? made me not want to be w/ him at all!!!

tony : How long ago was that?
jill: a while. i've been living this double work life for about 4 years.
tony : A while...well that does pretty well narrow it down.
tony : I'd say....somewhere in the last four years...probably.
jill: well, at least i didn't tell you "that's irrelevant" like you did to me!
tony : it probably was
jill: ah, i see. so when i wonder when you were last w/ a lover -- that's irrelevant. but when you wonder when i was and i say "a while", you're not satisfied w/ that answer?

tony : If your refering to when the last time I've had sex.......let me count the days....real close to one year and seven months.
tony : Don'tget moody on me now..!
jill: i'm not moody -- i just don't care for different expectations that you are willing to live by.
jill: and as for moody -- that's definitely NOT a problem that i have

tony : That's not nice,
jill: hey, i'm just trying to figure out the playing rules here.
tony : I am not like that..I tell you all kinds of things.
jill: if there is a misunderstanding -- feel free to set me straight.
jill: yeah, when you want to.
tony : I really don't want you feeling that way....if you are I hope that will change.

once again – it’s all about moods and emotions . . . . .

tony : What mood are we in tonight?
jill: i don't know about you, but i'm fine.

another “tell me all your problems and emotions” session . . . . .

tony : So you not going to tell me about it..huh?
jill: in a nutshell? my mgr is out w/ her father's illness.
jill: the asst mgr is a "little napoleon" and has control issues.
jill: i have "i-don't-want-to-be-controlled" issues.
tony : I wish you were having a better night....
jill: oh well, those things happen.
tony : Sorry I said what I did...sure didn't mean or want to offend you.
jill: not offended. so choose another topic.
tony : Maybe you just don't feel like talking tonight.
jill: yeah, i can talk, but just choose a topic.
tony : Well what shall we talk about?
jill: how about the weather?

Expectations for a possible meetin . . . . . ?

jill: but just so you know -- i'm not interested in meeting an octopus. there are enough of those at my other job!
tony : sure your wanting to meet me?
jill: are you telling me you're an octopus? or that i have to be worried about my personal safety in your presence?
tony : I'm not saying either one...I am just feeling negative vibes from you...I wish you would cheer up..and be happy...if I'm feeling wrong I apoloize...earlier today when we talked were in a better mood...except for being a little unorganised.

And now everything is MY fault and he has done nothing wrong or offensive – I’m just being a bitch for no good reason, I guess. . . . . .

tony : Hey ..I give up..I don't think there would be anything I could say that you would be happy with tonight....really sorry your feeling this way. I was really looking forward to talking with you tonight. If I was applying pressure upon you ..I'm terribly sorry...last thing I want to do is make anything harder for ya,,guess I just wasn't smart enough to realise it.
jill: then i guess that means you're telling me goodbye?
tony : I almost feel as though that is what you would like. But that isn't what i SAID.
jill: no, what you said was "there is nothing i can say tonight to make you happy . . . i'm not smart enough to realise it"
jill: which translates (in my book) to "no matter what i say, you're bitchy/unhappy tonight. plus, i want you to reinforce my feelings of security in my own knowledge by telling me i am smart enough to realize it, but that it's really just your own fault."
jill: i don't play word games -- it gets dangerous.
tony : Ok.Jill
jill: ok what?
tony : You think I'm playing games?
jill: ok then what did you expect as a reply to "i just wasn't smart enough to realise it"?
tony : Because I don't see where I was applying any pressure on you.
jill: well, you were obviously not happy w/ my "chatting ability" nor my "mood" tonight.
tony : I don't want to fight with you Jill..and I won't...I care about you and I'm not going to argue, Not what I wanted for us.
jill: fine. that's a good choice.
jill: i'm logging off. talk to you later maybe.
tony : Is this your way of saying,,,you would rather not meet?
jill: no, it's not. if i wanted to say that i would say "tony, i don't want to meet you."
jill: are you thinking that i can't clearly express my thoughts/feelings/wants?

now he's fishing for reconciliation -- or at least for me to admit how wrong i was . . . . . .


tony: Looking for me?
tony: JUst happened to be on..getting ready to leave.
jill: no, that would be a waste of time -- you rarely show up as "visible" anyway.
jill: like now -- you're not visible
tony: I'm not chatting with anyone..
tony: but you
jill: well, you weren't chatting w/ me last night -- you just disappeared.
tony: I was very sad
jill: too sad to say "goodbye" or "i'm logging out" or "i think we better talk later"?
jill: that's pretty sad.
jill: having the same problem?

tony: You are very good with words my darling...sometimes words can hurt..Last thing I ever want is for me to make you feel pain...I looked forward to talking to you before 11...I wanted to talk to happy ..feel good and for you to feel that way too..Anything I said to you ..I feel you turned into something it wasn't ..I couldn't get close to you at all..I tried ..but you wouldn't allow it. I didn't want to say goodbye..and I couldn't talk to you either..even though I wanted to ..You may not understand what I'm saying here..but it is not a put down. .or saying bad things of you ..I don't know how you have been feeling ,,but I haven't been feeling too happy..Thought we were closer than trhat,
jill: i guess not. i don't like to feel criticized, as i'm sure you don't either.
jill: especially if you already know i'm having a rough time.
jill: that just opens me up and reveals more things for someone to criticize.
tony: I was just wondering how you felt....You feel as though I did those things to you..Sorry you feel that way...I know I wasn't...why you feel this way ..I have no idea..sorry you had a bad night...but that wasn't my fault...if you want to push me away ...then that is what you want and your decision.
jill: true, that is my decision to make -- and if i feel that way, i'll make that decision.
jill: but i don't like having that challenge/choice thrown up all the time. i'm capable of deciding what my options are w/o having them pointed out to me. that makes me feel like you want me to remind you of your own self-worth and tell you again how much i enjoy your company and chatting w/ you.
jill: that's not pushing you away -- that's just not begging you to spend time w/ me.
tony: I don't want this between us ..don't want these kind of feelings...I did like the feeling we had..or maybe it was only I that felt that way. I don't like this at all..I wanted to see you to meet you...But I want you to feel that way also. I thought you did ..maybe you do..what do you want me to say Jill....don't want you to beg me for nothin,,,don't need you to feel unworthy..
tony: Can't control ya..don't want to....can't make you feel things you don't...wouldn't want to..
jill: i have the feeling of being cornered. pressured. criticized.
jill: and i don't care for it.
jill: then when i offer an answer, i get the "well maybe we shouldn't meet after all. maybe you don't really want to. i thought you did. maybe you decided not to. maybe i'm just not smart enough to realize is."
jill: and then i have a whole other barrage of things to answer for.
jill: and it's amazing that we haven't always had these problems w/ communication. but if i say anything that upsets you too bad, you're just "not there" anymore. no answer, no goodbye, no nothing.
jill: so what motivation does that give me to communicate something intimate? or say the truth, even though i know you won't like it?
tony: So how long have you been feeling this way.
jill: since last weekend. go back and look at our conversations and you'll notice a distinct change there. suddenly i'm on the defensive about so many things. i told you that i enjoyed our time and was looking for an enjoyable time. when it's no longer enjoyable, i'm no longer interested.
jill: i'm not interested in any type relationship that involved entangled emotions w/ conversations defending myself all the time. i'm interested in being w/ someone who likes to be w/ me, not someone who wants to point out all my faults, shortcomings, and deficiencies. someone who is positive about life, our relationship, and me.
jill: is this another one of those "too sad to reply" times?
jill: if so, i'm just wasting my time sitting here waiting on a response.

tony: Ok,,my darling..not much I can say to that dear, If you feel I do these things to you...maybe I am a waste of your time.
jill: funny, i didn't feel that way before last weekend.
jill: and of course, you don't see it at all, huh?
tony: Funny I never felt that way...but you do.
jill: probably b/c you're not on the receiving end of the criticism?
tony: You know Jill ..I didn't ,,don't want this...but I want you to be happy..
jill: i could, if you were not giving me such a hard time.
tony: Seems I not making you happy..
tony: I wanted to.
jill: not what you're on my case
tony: I'm not trying to be on your case.
tony: Seems I can't express how I feel..without you feeling that way..
tony: I don't want you feeling bad.
jill: then maybe it would be better for us to quit this relationship where it is before any more negative feelings are associated w/ it.
tony: If that is best for you and what your heart feels...
jill: why don't you think about what you'll willing to invest and we'll chat about it later?
tony: Takes two ..darlin.
jill: true -- it does. but i don't want to be in a subordinate role. i want to be w/ someone that can deal w/ me as an equal partner.
jill: think about it. i'll talk to you later.

Yet another recounting of my faults and attempted enlightenment . . . . .

jill: well, i didn't feel like our chats have gone well the last couple of times. i thought you were unhappy w/ me and would probably not want to experience that again soon.
tony: What you say is true...I am unhappy with the way you have been treating me..and I don't want to experience that. I did miss you Jill..but not the way you have been treating me,
jill: and you feel it's totally w/o reason?
jill: that your actions or words have done nothing to cause this reaction from me?
tony: No I don't feel I've done anything to deserve the reaction your having.
jill: ah, i see. then the whole situation is "just me" then.
tony: Not gonna go there Jill.
jill: no need to. i don't have much use for people that cannot accept responsibility for their own actions and admit when they have been wrong.
jill: i certainly don't want to head into a relationship w/ someone like that.
tony: I see your the same as you were..
tony: Don't want to waste your time.
jill: what? not thinking you're perfect? expecting someone to treat me w/ respect.
jill: yeah, i am.
jill: if that's the way it is, there is probably no need for us to chat again.
jill: when i have wronged someone, i am certainly willing to apologize and i expect the same courtesy in return.
tony: I’m not perfect..but I didn't do anything to you last night..except try to cheer you up..there was no talking with you at matter how hard I tried..
jill: then there is no need for you to waste more of your time.
tony: So be it.
jill: goodbye, it was nice to have met you.
tony: Some day maybe you'll learn you have to give to receive.
tony: Delete
jill: and maybe some day you'll learn to accept responsibility for your own actions.
jill: good luck to you.
tony: I did accept my actions..maybe you should take a look at yourself.
jill: if you want to delete me, do it. it not, then say so.
tony: Happy Valentines Day ..Darling
tony: How many times do you want me to say I'm sorry.
tony: I sure haven't heard you say anything about you having any fault.
jill: once when you admit/realize that you did something i found offensive.
jill: i never had the opportunity. when i broached the subject, you said, "i'm not going there."

tony: Looks like were here.
jill: that's ok. i'm rereading our chat from earlier where you're saying that you unhappy w/ the way i'm treating you and you feel that you've done nothing to deserve it.
tony: Oh what ever
tony: Why do you ask stupid questions?
tony: Ok. Jill..,...I can't understand why you would be treating me like you said.
tony: I'm really sorry you feel that way.
jill: me, too.
tony: I just think your afraid of or don't want to share your feelings and life,
jill: you are certainly entitled to your opinion.
tony: Good night,,Jill...too bad you have to be so stubborn.
jill: so stubborn in that i'm not going to act as if you're faultless? to act as if i don't have feelings? to act as if there are not things in life that i want?
tony: And that I'm not the person you thought I was.
tony: Don't worry I'm not sad.
jill: i'm not worried.
tony: That I knew.
tony: Good Night
tony: Hey I'm even gonna let you have the last word.
*****you don’t know how hard it was for me to let this one go by w/o some smart ass answer! *****
tony: Know you couldn't live without it
tony: You’ll never understand.

Desparate last ditch attempt to reconcile . . . . or at least show me how wrong i am in my opinions?

tony: You having a nice day?
tony: I said,,Hi babe,,sweetheart ,,darling..
jill: hey, what's up?

jill: how big is your house?

tony : Came home put in a load of laundry....put a turkey in the oven.
tony: Not big enough darlin.
jill: thanks, that was helpful in trying to envision it.
tony: Oh.come on...It is just a simple little old house...has English Ivy growing on the north side.
tony: I redoing the inside totally....getting ready to start foundation work to add a couple rooms.
jill: oh, sounds like you have it all planned out.
tony: I've been wanting to envision you...dear..!
jill : are you inviting me over to your house?
tony: Been thinking about you while I've been gone.
jill : oh yeah? is that your way of avoiding answering the question i asked?
tony: Can I get this place lined out a little bit first?
tony: NO...I don't avoid you...please don't think or say that.
jill: no problem, it would be a while before i would want to anyway.
jill: no hurries there.
tony: you don't want to..huh..
jill: not for a while.
jill: maybe later?
tony: So are you still judging me...
tony: I'm going to have to unload the wood off of the truck and go get another load. So I won't be able to talk long.
tony: Wanted to talk to you..but you may not feel that way.
jill: had to walk to the library.
jill: am i still "judging you"? what does that mean?

tony: When you told me you missed me Sunday morning..when you were at work..(remember?) it kinda made my heart melt....I don't know..I probably shouldn't be telling you this. Oh well.
jill: that's nice. i'm glad.
tony: "not for a while" " maybe later " is what I mean...makes me feel that way...I want to be able to tell you how I feel and what I think without you feeling threatened or upset.
jill: i would like to get to know you before i'm invivted over to your house.
jill: and that'll be a while yet. it was nothing more than that.

tony: I going to have to go you want to talk latter?
jill: if i'm online. not sure if i'll be able to use the computer tonight of if i'll have to share it w/ the kids.
tony: Ok....
tony: you didn't even say IF you wanted to talk to me.......was just thinking that I never hear anything about your good feelings...
tony: I don't know why you feel that way,,Jill
jill: b/c that's what you do to me -- you criticize my answers and/or my feelings.
jill : i guess i can't do it.
tony : Right at this moment I'm not sure exactly what part,,,,your talking about...I know we need to talk....."guess i can't " means no to me. (can't never could) What I want to know is(putting all of your fears and everything else to the side,,,just for a minute) what and how do you feel?
tony: Do you still miss me?
tony: I don't like asking this.
jill: i don't miss the time we spent this last weekend. it was not pleasant.
tony: I don't either.
jill: and i felt like you criticized me and attacked me personally.
tony: I asked how you felt. (above)
jill: if i'm not who/what you want -- i understand. you can move on w/o trying to destroy who/what i am.
tony: I felt that way also
tony: I don't even know (with what I've said to you) how you can even say that.
tony : If you have no feelings for me ...ok...I need to know.
jill: i'm used to living w/ my feelings guarded -- not revealed.
jill: i ventured, i lost, i'm regrouping.

tony: You have not ventured or lost any more than I have,,and this is not all my you feel it is? But I felt that there was connection between us....I know what I feel for you...And I think you have feelings for me......this isn't the easiest thing for me to do,,.saying these takes two...Jill...
jill: i know it's not easy for you. and i never said it was all your fault. but if there is a problem, i think it should be discussed openly and honestly rather than "i'm not going there".
jill: i'm not interested in someone who insults me as a person b/c i don't agree w/ his opinion.

tony: yes darling
tony: I didn't want to argue with you any more.
jill: but i'm not interested in being involved w/ someone who denies any wrongdoing or refuses to admit to any wrongdoing..
tony: I've have already said we need to talk.
jill: and "i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" says something totally different than "i'm sorry you feel that way"
tony: yes it does
jill: i'm sorry, i thought we were talking.
jill: did you mean to talk at some other time?
jill: you might as well know -- i'm not willing to be submissive unless i choose to. i stand up for what i believe in, regardless of whether it's popular or not. being mean to me will not make me change my mind or my self-worth.
jill: only i give myself "self"-worth -- not the approval/acceptance of someone else.

tony: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings,,Jill.......
jill: thank you.
tony: I'm not trying to give or take anything to or from you....except maybe give you affection,,,,,,but I can't take affection from you...has to be given
tony: If you don't feel anything ..Jill then I need to quit bleeding all over the place....
jill: but i don't like it that you "turned on me" when you were upset. i'm not interested in having my person shredded any time you get upset.
jill: i would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be tied to someone who does not treat me w/ respect.
tony: I tried...Jill...but you can't see what you were doing to me
jill : and am i doing that by being mean to you? insulting you? taunting you?
tony: You can't remember the things you said to me?
jill: tell me what you find offensive
tony: So you feel that it is just I'm a shark....just a mean...person ,,just wanting to destroy you....
jill: never did feel you were just a mean person. never felt you were mean until we disagreed, and then i felt you used that as a weapon to hurt me.
tony: Only after I was hurt....
jill: well, i felt that only dangerously made the situation worse.
tony: I kept telling you I don't want to do this
jill: it didn't resolve anything, only made things worse.
jill: we can't just ignore it. it won't go away.
tony: I said I don't it to be this way between us
jill: ok, so are you telling me that right now you don't want to discuss this?
tony: I told you then....before..
jill: so then are you saying that if we just don't talk about this and don't discuss that things will just be fine?
tony: Your were already in a bad mood...
jill: i was not in a bad mood. i am not a moody person.
tony: You were that night
jill: just b/c you don't get things your way doesn't mean that I am in a bad mood.
tony: When do I ever get my way?
jill: are you going to stay on the topic?
tony: You are putting all the blame back on me.
jill: no, i'm not blaming anyone. "you" statements place blame.
jill: if i said "you did this" and "you did that" -- that's blaming.
tony: Well tell me then ..what you feel you could have done differently to help prevent all this between us.
jill: i could have more openly shared my feelings, and i didn't because i felt pressured and crowded.
jill: and what could YOU have done?

tony: Before I do that,,,,,I don't understand how that could have helped prevent what happened......and your saying you felt pressured and crowded by me? I feel the best way to talk about this is for the both of us to get a copy of that nights we can actually see what were talking about.
jill: well, obviously, i'm not doing well at this again.
jill: you ask what i could've done and i answered.
jill: i asked what you could have done, and you defer until later.
jill: i don't think we need to pick the whole conversation apart word by word to understand how we feel.
jill: i think i'm just not the right kind of person for you.

tony: So what I think and feel doesn't matter.
tony: And if you are feeling and thinking what you say....
jill: it's true. i think you are looking for someone different that my personality type.
jill: as a guy, if someone pushes you -- you push back. i was raised the same way. but most girls, if pushed, they pull back.
jill: that's not me. not naturally and not forced.
jill: i'm at a position in life where i'm not willing to give up my own identity and intelligence to be a part of a couple.
jill: i have goals/dreams/plans in life for myself -- and being a submissive partner always taking the blame for every incident or misstated word isn't included.

tony: Ok..enough said.......

since the end of this conversation on monday, february 7, 2005, the only messages i have received are just taunts and nasty statements. and i wonder if he realized that even if i had been interested in him in the beginning that i definitely wouldn't be now after seeing what an ass he is when he doesn't get his way. i am again reminded of how nice it is to be going through life on my own knowing i don' t have this shit to look forward to!

and people think i'm a little bit jaded? trust me -- i'm more than just a little bit!