50 by 50

i have recently been pondering death quite heavily, but not really death itself so much as the point in life where i am right now. more like looking at the continuum of my life and my placement upon the continuum -- realizing that i'm past the half way point, in all probability. i don't worry about death, either when it will happen or how it will happen, nor do i really care. yeah, i have certain views about which ways to die would be less traumatic, whether it be a short illness or a long illness, but it does not truly matter to me. i'm more concerned w/ living than dying, so this line of thought has kicked me into gear on making some plans for whatever amount of life i have left.

i had been thinking of making a "100 things to do before i die" list, but i hadn't started it yet. i'm not sure why, but i think i might have had some reservations about what would happen if i accomplished all those tasks. would i then have no purpose for life? or would i then be tempting death? funny, but each time i thought of this project the first thought after that was "yeah, but what if i get them all done?" -- so i never moved any further on it.

a friend recently told me that she knew i had been thinking about death (i'll save the reasons for how/why she knew until some other time). she felt much better when i explained that i was really considering how much life i had left, rather than thinking about death. to me, that seems like looking at 2 different sides of a coin. yeah, related issues but for different reasons/purposes. i'm all about getting certain things done before i die, and i need to get started on these things if i'm going to get them done.

the same friend told me that she made a "40 things to do by the time i turn 40" list. she gave me some examples of things that she had on her list and how/why some of these things were accomplished. i was intrigued by that whole idea, but i'm fast approaching 40 (8 months from now -- in november, 2005) and that wouldn't allow me much time to accomplish some neat things. so, i've changed the idea a little, and i'm making a "50 by 50" list.

making a list such as this is not as easy as a person might think. it always seems like i have several things on my "to do list," but many of these were not lifetime goals. other things, when it came right down to it, were not things that i really wanted to do after all. besides, i want these things to be 50 things that are really worth doing -- at least in my opinion!

funny thing that i've noticed since i've been thinking about my "50 by 50" list -- there are dreams that i had/have that i had forgotten about simply because of changes in life or too much work. my life has been so different these last 4 years w/ my work schedule that i have forgotten how to be "off work" and "relax." on some others, someone else has tried so hard to prevent those things from happening that i simply put them on the back burner for a while. it was hardly worth fighting over if it wasn't pending in my immediate future, it seemed. over time, i had forgotten that it was something i wanted to do.

now, i'm racking my brain for those 50 things i want to accomplish or experience in the next 10 years. i want it to be 50 things that are worth doing and worth writing/documenting for my kids. i am putting a scrapbook/journal together w/ my list in it. then when i get one of those things done, i'm going to document it, writing about it and sharing some pictures. i only have about 7 or 8 or the things definitely in mind right now, but i'm sure i'll add more to the list fairly quickly. the other deal is that i don't feel the need to complete the list right now, as there may be things i want to add as time goes on. so i'll probably fill in most of it, leaving a little wiggle room for future adventures.

so, i'm open for suggestions if you feel you have a great idea for an adventure!