i recently made a composition journal as a gift for my significant other and it chronicled from our first date thru our relationship. i wanted to make the book look really classy from the outside -- not just a mottled comp book cover. it also had to look attractive to a man -- so no foo-foo stuff.
i covered it w/ several layers of burgundy tissue paper (applied w/ mod podge) on the inside and outside of the front and back covers. after getting the cover dark like i wanted it, i wanted some design to it as well. couldn't find any patterned tissue that i liked when shopping, so went home and pulled out some paisley christmas tissue that was dark green, dark red, and gold in a really pretty, elegant pattern. i put a layer of that christmas tissue next, wrapping it around in one continuous sheet from inside front cover to around front to around bent spine to around back cover to across inside back cover.
then i did a layer of the burgundy tissue paper in that same fashion over the paisley. i was SO relieved b/c i thought i was almost done, but boy was i wrong!!! i did a couple coats of mod podge over the tissue to serve as the protectant, and it had a nice glossy look to it. unfortunately, it stayed tacky to the touch and stuck to other things it touched or the book pages if i closed the book. next i sprayed it w/ matte spray finish, but i didn't like the matte look on the book as it just looked dull (although it did dry instead of remaining tacky!). i tried glossy spray finish, but i wasn't happy w/ that look either.
at this point, i was getting really irritated w/ myself b/c i was afraid that i was going to ruin the book or the contents by trying to get the cover to look the perfect way that i thought it should. i tried the matte spray finish again, hoping i would like the results better this time. guess what -- i still didn't like it.
after letting it set a couple days, i remembered someone on an altered book list talking about how they used future floor wax to seal their projects b/c of the protection if offered. if it was strong enough to protect a floor that was walked on, it should be strong enough to protect a cardboard book cover. i decided to try it on the book cover and the results were amazingly beautiful -- really nice sheen that allows the deep colors and paisley pattern to show thru w/o looking "thick" like the mod podge did.
the final product ended up beautiful -- just like a deep dark cherry wood almost. i'll try and scan the cover and post to my blog today so you can see it if you want. the future floor wax has been perfect for this project as it provided a hard protectant for the "tissue" on the cardboard cover and the shine makes it looks the same today as it did when i gave it to him back in october.
my biggest concerns were that the book cover was "sealed" and protected from possible damage, the cover dried and could be handled or touching other possessions w/o worry of it getting sticky or too hot/humid, and the finish provided the look that i wanted.
after that experience, i think i'll use future floor wax to seal the covers on all my comp journals or homemade journals to protect them from damage.
***my one warning if working w/ future floor wax -- it easily gets little bubbles in the finish if i used a foam brush too quickly. i could get by w/ using the 1" foam brush if i just took my time in spreading the wax across the book cover. plus i went horizontal all the way down and then vertical all the way across and then smudged out any "brush marks" or little bubbles to make sure the final finish was glass-smooth.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
it's the little things that matter -- the butterfly effect
this is taken from a motivational newsletter that i subscribe to, but i thought you might get a kick out of the math part of it --
The Butterfly Effect by Ron White (the motivational speaker -- not the comedian!)
It was 1960 and meteorologist Edward Lorenz was working in his lab. He was entering data into his computer in the hopes of modeling weather patterns when he stumbled upon a theory that is known as, 'The Butterfly Effect'. He was entering wind speed, air pressure and temperature into three separate equations that were linked in a mathematical feedback loop. This equation allowed Lorenz to predict weather patterns.
One day Lorenz was in a bit of a hurry and opted to take a shortcut when entering the data. He rounded the numbers to the nearest one thousandth rather than to the nearest one millionth (for example, .407 instead of .407349). As a scientist, he knew this would change the result – however he expected only a minor change. Lorenz was astounded to discover that this tiny change made a profound impact on the final resulting weather pattern. This discovery led Lorenz to ponder: Does the flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil cause a tornado in Texas? – Thus you have 'The Butterfly Effect' theory.
This theory has been applied to all areas of science since Lorenz's 1960 experiment.
"But, Ron, what does this mean for my life?", I can hear you asking.
It means that every decision or action that you make - no matter how small – could potentially dramatically alter the course of your life. My life, as I am sure yours is, is a testimony to the butterfly effect. When I was 12 years old, I met a friend named Brian in P.E. class. Over two decades later, Brian is still my best friend. At the age of 12, Brian had a thirst for learning and studying (the other 12 year olds called him a nerd) and he was a fitness fanatic. He still has these qualities and because of our friendship they rubbed off on me. At the age of 18, I needed a job and he secured me a job where he worked as a telemarketer. My third day on the job, I made a telemarketing call to someone in the seminar business. He thought I was a good telemarketer and offered me a job over the phone.
Did you follow that?
You are receiving this email from me, reading my books, or hearing me speak because I was offered a job at the age of 18 from a seminar company. I would have never been offered that job – if Brian hadn't gotten me the telemarketing job and Brian would never have known me if we hadn't met at the age of 12 in P.E.! I have an insatiable desire for learning that began at age 12 and have developed into a fitness fanatic as well. Most of the major events in my life can be traced back to a conversation in a gym two decades ago – that is 'The Butterfly Effect'.
ACTION POINTS
1. Realize that 'The Butterfly Effect' is very real and small decisions or actions can make a huge impact on your life.
2. Take responsibility for your decisions, actions and friends – even the tiny decisions – realizing that they can dramatically alter the course of your life.
3. Understand the importance of attention to detail. Years before 1986, the smallest flaw was overlooked in a Space Shuttle O-Ring. That flaw led to a horrific 'Butterfly Effect' and the deaths of seven Astronauts years later in January 1986.
4. Do not allow 'The Butterfly Effect' to paralyze you from inaction. Instead, use it as the spark of motivation to fan the fire of action – realizing that you control your destiny even in the tiniest of ways.
Use the 'Butterfly Effect' as a tool to make a positive, lasting impact on your life and it's direction.
The Butterfly Effect by Ron White (the motivational speaker -- not the comedian!)
It was 1960 and meteorologist Edward Lorenz was working in his lab. He was entering data into his computer in the hopes of modeling weather patterns when he stumbled upon a theory that is known as, 'The Butterfly Effect'. He was entering wind speed, air pressure and temperature into three separate equations that were linked in a mathematical feedback loop. This equation allowed Lorenz to predict weather patterns.
One day Lorenz was in a bit of a hurry and opted to take a shortcut when entering the data. He rounded the numbers to the nearest one thousandth rather than to the nearest one millionth (for example, .407 instead of .407349). As a scientist, he knew this would change the result – however he expected only a minor change. Lorenz was astounded to discover that this tiny change made a profound impact on the final resulting weather pattern. This discovery led Lorenz to ponder: Does the flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil cause a tornado in Texas? – Thus you have 'The Butterfly Effect' theory.
This theory has been applied to all areas of science since Lorenz's 1960 experiment.
"But, Ron, what does this mean for my life?", I can hear you asking.
It means that every decision or action that you make - no matter how small – could potentially dramatically alter the course of your life. My life, as I am sure yours is, is a testimony to the butterfly effect. When I was 12 years old, I met a friend named Brian in P.E. class. Over two decades later, Brian is still my best friend. At the age of 12, Brian had a thirst for learning and studying (the other 12 year olds called him a nerd) and he was a fitness fanatic. He still has these qualities and because of our friendship they rubbed off on me. At the age of 18, I needed a job and he secured me a job where he worked as a telemarketer. My third day on the job, I made a telemarketing call to someone in the seminar business. He thought I was a good telemarketer and offered me a job over the phone.
Did you follow that?
You are receiving this email from me, reading my books, or hearing me speak because I was offered a job at the age of 18 from a seminar company. I would have never been offered that job – if Brian hadn't gotten me the telemarketing job and Brian would never have known me if we hadn't met at the age of 12 in P.E.! I have an insatiable desire for learning that began at age 12 and have developed into a fitness fanatic as well. Most of the major events in my life can be traced back to a conversation in a gym two decades ago – that is 'The Butterfly Effect'.
ACTION POINTS
1. Realize that 'The Butterfly Effect' is very real and small decisions or actions can make a huge impact on your life.
2. Take responsibility for your decisions, actions and friends – even the tiny decisions – realizing that they can dramatically alter the course of your life.
3. Understand the importance of attention to detail. Years before 1986, the smallest flaw was overlooked in a Space Shuttle O-Ring. That flaw led to a horrific 'Butterfly Effect' and the deaths of seven Astronauts years later in January 1986.
4. Do not allow 'The Butterfly Effect' to paralyze you from inaction. Instead, use it as the spark of motivation to fan the fire of action – realizing that you control your destiny even in the tiniest of ways.
Use the 'Butterfly Effect' as a tool to make a positive, lasting impact on your life and it's direction.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
10 barriers to creativity
10 barriers to creativity
1. time
2. lack of ability
3. self-doubt
4. self-censorship
5. no supplies when opportunity/inspiration to draw/color
6. no formal training
7. too many other responsibilities in life
8. lack of self-discipline
9. fear of success and fear of failure
10. would rather play w/ raven!
1. time
2. lack of ability
3. self-doubt
4. self-censorship
5. no supplies when opportunity/inspiration to draw/color
6. no formal training
7. too many other responsibilities in life
8. lack of self-discipline
9. fear of success and fear of failure
10. would rather play w/ raven!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
10 summer things to celebrate
10 summer things to celebrate
1. sunshine (and the opportunity to lay out and tan!)
2. time off from work - school is out!
3. baseball season, both little league and the big league
4. gardens and fresh fruits and vegetables
5. extra money for working extra
6. reading time!!!
7. amusement parks
8. swimming, water sports, canoeing
9. thunderstorms with lots of thunder and ligthening
10. family vacations and adventures (even family reunions)
1. sunshine (and the opportunity to lay out and tan!)
2. time off from work - school is out!
3. baseball season, both little league and the big league
4. gardens and fresh fruits and vegetables
5. extra money for working extra
6. reading time!!!
7. amusement parks
8. swimming, water sports, canoeing
9. thunderstorms with lots of thunder and ligthening
10. family vacations and adventures (even family reunions)
i've got my number
i've got my number -- decided to see what this site said about my personality based on the numerical analyzation of my name --
http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp
You entered: jill ann campbell
There are 15 letters in your name.
Those 15 letters total to 55
There are 4 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 1
The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual.
The expression or destiny for #1:
A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions.
Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind.
The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage.
Your Soul Urge number is: 8
A Soul Urge number of 8 means: With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flare for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.
Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.
The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.
Your Inner Dream number is: 3
An Inner Dream number of 3 means: You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.
this site shows what my birthday reveals about me and/or my personality --
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
You entered: 11/27/1965
You were born on a Saturday under the astrological sign Sagittarius.
Your Life path number is 5.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2439091.5.
The golden number for 1965 is 9.
The epact number for 1965 is 27.
The year 1965 was not a leap year.
As of 6/22/2005 12:22:10 PM CDT
You are 39 years old.
You are 475 months old.
You are 2,065 weeks old.
You are 14,452 days old.
You are 346,860 hours old.
You are 20,811,622 minutes old.
You are 1,248,697,330 seconds old.
There are 158 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 40 candles on it.
Those 40 candles produce 40 BTU's, or 10,080 calories of heat (that's only 10.0800 food Calories!) .
You can boil 4.57 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Citrine
The Mystical properties of Citrine = Citrine is said to help one connect with Spirit.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources) Yellow Topaz, Pearl, Diamond
Your birth tree is Ash Tree, the Ambition
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.
The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waxing crescent.
Saturday, November 27, 1965
Moon's age (days): 3
Distance (Earth radii): 63.20
Percent Illumination 15.54%
Ecliptic latitude (degrees): -3.77
Ecliptic longitude (degrees): 294.03
Friday, June 17, 2005
silly survey
Sometimes it is fun to learn something you never knew about a person. Amazingly, we might know a person very well, but yet not have many specific details about that person and his or her life. Here are some details about me from one of those silly email surveys.
1. What time is it? 1:03 a.m.
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Jill Ann Campbell
3. Nicknames: Jill the Pill, Jillybean, Jacks_friend, Memaw, PITA
4. Piercing? Ears – several times
5. Color of Eyes: green
6. Place of birth: Pittsburg, Kansas – the old Mt. Carmel hospital
7. Favorite food: hamburgers, grilled at home w/ onion, tomato, pickles, mustard & ketchup – yeah!
8. Ever been to Mexico? no
9. Ever been toilet papered? Many times, because it’s the cool thing where my kids go to school to TP the houses of all of the athletes/participants, complete w/ writing on the windows of the house and the car.
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes
11. Been in a car accident? yes
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Bacon bits
13. Favorite day of the week: Sunday, day for family and have the most time off from work
14. Favorite restaurant: locally = Red Onion Café. Others include Cheesecake Factory, Joe’s Crab Shack, Hibachi, Olive Garden, Chicken Mary’s, Jim’s, Bricktown, & Café del Rio.
15. Favorite flower: Tiger Lilies
16. Favorite sport to watch: Baseball, Ice Skating, Gymnastics, Olympics, Football (NFL) and Boxing.
17. Favorite drink: Water – I’m lying. It’s Coke, really, but I’m trying to convince myself that it’s water! So far, it’s not working!!
18. Favorite ice cream: Home made ice cream like my mother makes.
19. Disney or Warner Bros: Disney
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: Taco Bell
21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Dove gray
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Jerry
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Famous Barr
25. What you do most often when you are bored? Who has time for that?
26. Bed time: Any time available!
27. Favorite TV shows: countdowns on VH1, MTV, CMT
28. Last person you went out to dinner with: Jerry
29. Ford or Chevy: neither
30. What are you listening to right now? Oldies
31. What is your favorite color? Blues, Purples, and Maroons
32. Lake, ocean or river? Anything with a beach and a place to swim, tan, and explore.
33. How many tattoos do you have? 2
34. Have you ever run out of gas? Not in my car, but I have in someone else’s car.
35. Time you finished this e-mail? 1:20 a.m.
1. What time is it? 1:03 a.m.
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Jill Ann Campbell
3. Nicknames: Jill the Pill, Jillybean, Jacks_friend, Memaw, PITA
4. Piercing? Ears – several times
5. Color of Eyes: green
6. Place of birth: Pittsburg, Kansas – the old Mt. Carmel hospital
7. Favorite food: hamburgers, grilled at home w/ onion, tomato, pickles, mustard & ketchup – yeah!
8. Ever been to Mexico? no
9. Ever been toilet papered? Many times, because it’s the cool thing where my kids go to school to TP the houses of all of the athletes/participants, complete w/ writing on the windows of the house and the car.
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes
11. Been in a car accident? yes
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Bacon bits
13. Favorite day of the week: Sunday, day for family and have the most time off from work
14. Favorite restaurant: locally = Red Onion Café. Others include Cheesecake Factory, Joe’s Crab Shack, Hibachi, Olive Garden, Chicken Mary’s, Jim’s, Bricktown, & Café del Rio.
15. Favorite flower: Tiger Lilies
16. Favorite sport to watch: Baseball, Ice Skating, Gymnastics, Olympics, Football (NFL) and Boxing.
17. Favorite drink: Water – I’m lying. It’s Coke, really, but I’m trying to convince myself that it’s water! So far, it’s not working!!
18. Favorite ice cream: Home made ice cream like my mother makes.
19. Disney or Warner Bros: Disney
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: Taco Bell
21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Dove gray
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Jerry
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Famous Barr
25. What you do most often when you are bored? Who has time for that?
26. Bed time: Any time available!
27. Favorite TV shows: countdowns on VH1, MTV, CMT
28. Last person you went out to dinner with: Jerry
29. Ford or Chevy: neither
30. What are you listening to right now? Oldies
31. What is your favorite color? Blues, Purples, and Maroons
32. Lake, ocean or river? Anything with a beach and a place to swim, tan, and explore.
33. How many tattoos do you have? 2
34. Have you ever run out of gas? Not in my car, but I have in someone else’s car.
35. Time you finished this e-mail? 1:20 a.m.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
10 things that never fail me
10 things that never fail me
1. unconditional love and acceptance from my family
2. the joy in/of my children and grandchild
3. sense of humor
4. love of music
5. my open friendliness
6. appreciation of nature
7. desire to learn/explore --> curiosity
8. excitement in my career - teaching
9. drive to succeed in life
10. God
1. unconditional love and acceptance from my family
2. the joy in/of my children and grandchild
3. sense of humor
4. love of music
5. my open friendliness
6. appreciation of nature
7. desire to learn/explore --> curiosity
8. excitement in my career - teaching
9. drive to succeed in life
10. God
Thursday, April 07, 2005
the perfect revenge
i had a very nasty divorce from my children's father. it didn't start out that way, but that's the way it ended up. i planned to be fair and mature about things, and he was pretty good with it until he figured out that we weren't going to be working things out and getting back together. then he started to be a real pain in the ass about almost everything. i'm not sure if he did it just to get back at me for leaving him or if he really felt that way on those issues; regardless, he was willing to hurt his children to get back at me for whatever sins he was sure i was guilty of, and that is not a way to earn points with a mother.
i honestly felt like what happened between us should be just between us. i didn't tell his parents anything. i didn't communicate with his family or any of our friends. i never even told our own children why we were divorced. when they asked, i just said, "we just can't live together anymore." and left it at that. i didn't figure they needed a real long explanation that would make them feel like they had to choose who was right and who was wrong. "we just couldn't live together anymore" was enough information for them at 6 and 8 years old.
i had $20 in the ash tray of my car when i left to visit my parents that weekend, not knowing that i was leaving him yet, but knowing that if i could just get home, my parents would help me with what i needed or help me to get back. while i was at my parents for the weekend, he threatened to kill me when i returned, so i decided that i was no longer staying in that relationship. when i left him, i only took my personal possessions, those items that my family had given to us, and the children's belongings. i left him all of his personal possessions, all of the things that his family had given to us, and half of the furniture that wasn't mine personally before we married. i thought that seemed fair and reasonable. i wasn't out to get him on anything -- i just wanted what belonged to myself and the children. i didn't take the money out of the bank account, but just took my name off of it so he could continue to use it.
well, it wasn't long before the divorce turned really nasty. probably about the same time he found out that he was to pay $600 a month in child support and provide the children with medical insurance. then he started doing some really underhanded things to keep the kids and me from "getting anything" of his. seems weird, though, when i wasn't wanting anything of his other than the assigned child support. i even offered to take all the debts and practically none of the property if he would just walk away. no such luck, though. eventually, he just gave up his job and made no money. that way, he didn't have to pay child support. yeah, they assigned an amount to him -- but they couldn't make him pay if.
the divorce drug out for 10 months. during that time, we were in court 5 times before the actual divorce finalization. none of these trips would count as pleasant and none of these trips would count as cheap. well, i guess they were cheaper for him than for me, as he never paid his attorney fees afterward. he fought every step of the way -- didn't want to pay child support, didn't want to provide insurance, refused to provide documentation that the children had insurance, didn't want to agree on visitation, refused to pay child support, was held in contempt of court for not following court orders, offered to settle and then backed out at the last minute, lied about his finances, lied about his possessions, accused me of stealing his valuable property, and told his whole family some far out stories about the reasons we were separated. it was awful, and i wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
i felt so bad for the kids because they wanted their dad to be a father, not a vindictive jerk who was willing to hurt them to get at me. for a while it was good when they went to visit, but that didn't last but just a few months. he knew that the best and easiest way to hurt me was to hurt my kids. i knew that the best and easiest way to hurt him was in his checkbook. every time he tried to get to me through the kids, i would sock it to him in the checkbook -- or try to.
it didn't take me long to see the error of my ways, though. soon i realized that the court wasn't really making him do anything that he was supposed to. i was following the rules because i thought it was the right thing to do, and he wasn't. there was no way for that situation to be fair unless both people are willing to be fair and do what's right. i was in a "no win situation". he wasn't going to behave maturely, he wasn't going to follow the rules, and the court wasn't going to make him. oh yeah, they ordered him to, but that doesn't really make him do it. that just puts the order in the books -- "on this 3rd day of june, 1992, scott docherty appears before this court and is ordered to pay his child support for the last 3 months. mr. docherty has until july 1 to get caught up on his child support. once he has paid the arrears on child support, he shall pay 1/2 of his monthly child support on the 1st of the month and 1/2 on the 15th of the month." this was now a court order. he had until july 1 to defy the court again, and he did. at that point, if i took him back to court (and paid the fees), about the same thing would happen. nothing scary or harmful or damaging, really. he would just smile and agree to do whatever the court told him to do and then not do it.
my children were the victims in this situation, and there was nothing i could do to protect them. he denied doing anything to them or anything wrong to the court. he made them cry, he made them afraid, he made them sick, he made them sad -- and there was nothing i could do. if i didn't make them go, i was in contempt of court. the court system didn't care what the problem was, the kids had to go see their dad. after all, if they could just force them to spend some time together, they would probably end up liking each other. wrong!
well, i didn't think very nice thoughts about him during this time, and the thoughts got worse in connection to his actions. i would've done just about anything to make sure my kids were safe and happy. this included eliminating the reason(s) for their unhappiness and distress. i had already tried working w/ him and being cooperative. next, i tried to cut down on the amount of time that the kids went there and the interaction that they had with him. or trying to re-arrange the schedule a little bit to be more accommodating to the kids' social schedule. i finally took him to court requesting that visitation be cut down to once a month instead of twice a month. that didn't work, though, as the judge just split the difference and then gave him 6 weeks in the summer to make up for the time he was losing. the judge also refused to listen to the kids and/or let them speak out in court. they were barred from the courtroom.
he became more vicious, doing outrageous things to pay me back for trying to "run his life". the problem was, i didn't want to run his life -- i just didn't want him to run mine! and i definitely didn't want him to ruin my kids' lives just because he was trying to get back at me. i began to think of how nice life would be without him in it. i wasn't imagining his death, but just his non-existance. how nice things would be if he would just "not be". the kids didn't care for him, and i had very strong negative feelings about the man who caused so much pain to my children. yeah, he did mean things to me, but i didn't really let those bother me because he just hated me (in reality, it just killed him to admit he had no control over me). but when he was mean to OUR children because he hated me, that was crossing the line.
these ridiculous actions continued. he wouldn't bring the kids back at the time he was supposed to, but 3 hours late and just leave me sitting at the meeting point (johnson's general store in fredonia). he refused to let the kids bring their personal possessions that they took to his house back home with them. he threw rocks and screamed filthy names at me as i loaded the kids up in the car -- so bad that some truckers restrained him so we could leave. he blocked my car door so that i couldn't shut it to leave while he yelled at me and called me names. he parked where he blocked my car in and then refused to leave. he threatened to fight me for custody of the kids. he accused me of being an unfit mother and threatened to lie in court and have his friends lie in court for him to have the children taken away from me.
finally, in the summer of 1997, he took the kids for his 6 week visit. this is the first time he had ever done that, and i'm sure he did it this time to pay me back for requesting less visitation for him. he did his best to cut the kids off from me totally -- not letting me talk to them on the phone, intercepting any letters/cards i sent to them, not returning them when he was supposed to, demanding to meet at different times and places. during the last 2-week stint of the 6 weeks visitation, he moved away and took the kids with him == kidnapping. fortunately for me, my kids had been trained on what to do if this happened, but that didn't make it any less serious. the whole situation was miserable.
i was sick with fear for my children's safety and well-being. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i would fall asleep where i had dropped from exhaustion. i had been this way the whole 6 weeks they were gone, but it was worse now that i knew he was attempting to hide them and keep them from me. i couldn't think of anything other than the situation that my kids were in and the jackass that was causing it. i began to think of ways to take care of it myself, but i couldn't come up w/ a method that was definite success without drawing obvious attention to myself. trust me, i had a 100 or more possibilities, but no definite choice. it was no secret about how i felt. i had even discussed the plausibility with my attorney. people knew and had heard me say that i wished he was dead. i never said i was going to kill him, but if he showed up dead -- it wouldn't have bothered me in the least. in fact, i probably would've been happy because it would've spared my children the pain they were going through by dealing with him. but, i wasn't willing to spend my life as a sacrifice to the legal system because he was a jackass.
i wished him dead. i didn't broadcast it, but anyone who knew me well knew that. unfortunately for me, no one obliged me by taking care of him. i always thought it was such a shame when a partner/father was killed in one of those perfect little families and this awful person was still walking around. after the kidnapping, the kids refused to go back to see him. by an unusual chain of events, it worked out just that way. the last time they saw him for visitation was august 9, 1997, when the police removed the kids from his care and turned them over to me.
he didn't see the kids again after that, partially because the kids refused to go and partially because he didn't make arrangements on time to meet them and partially because i refused to take his phone calls. thank God for caller id, which came to our town that summer. i no longer put out any effort to communicate with him or to cooperate in any way on the children. he didn't treat them well and was often abusive (physically or mentally or verbally), he had never put their needs/wants before his own, and he didn't pay child support. in my mind, he was an unfit parent and didn't deserve parental rights. i felt no sympathy for him that his children no longer wanted a relationship with him.
it was probably a couple years before i no longer wished him dead. not that it matters, though, because he's still alive and well today. i'm convinced that he won't make it to heaven and hell probably doesn't want him either. but that's just my opinion. the bad thing is when someone can look at another person's life and say "you know, (s)he is worth much more dead than alive." and be totally honest and sincere -- without malice (and it's not just me thinking that!). not that i'm saying i didn't have malice, because i did for a long time. in fact, at the time of the kidnapping (5 years after i left him and filed for divorce), i told my attorney that if i had just taken care of it differently the first time, i could've been on parole by then instead of trying to find my kidnapped and abused children. the bad thing -- he totally agreed and wasn't joking. so, had the opportunity presented itself, i'm not sure i would've turned it down.
we healed and recovered from the kidnapping incident. it was a terrible thing to have to live through, and this summer of events has affected my family forever. it's odd, too, that those feelings and memories come over me at weird times, too. like one night when we were watching one of those crime scene shows, explaining how to kill someone and get away with it . . . or not. in this particular show, the person who officials were certain had committed the crime was actually innocent and spent several years in prison before being exonerated.
that really hit home with me -- for obvious reasons. IF scott had been killed or had died under suspicious circumstances, i would've been the obvious suspect. i had motive, and plenty of it. i had opportunity, ability, attitude, access to weapons, and the intelligence to plan out the situation. on top of that, there were witnesses who could testify that i had said i wished he was dead. uh-oh, this could be real trouble.
i really began to worry about what would happen to me if something happened to him. it really could create a problem. i didn't have a alibi all of the time. it's not reasonable, but people would think i had done it if i couldn't account for all of my time. what happened if he got robbed? what happened if he made someone else mad? what happened if he committed suicide? i was really worried. this could negatively affect my life for a very long time, even though i didn't have anything to do with it.
i began to pray for his continued well-being, even though it irked me so bad i couldn't hardly keep from gagging. i now was concerned that the person i most despised might not live a long life. rather ironic, don't you think? what's even more comical -- this man had so much hatred for me that if he realized the situation, he probably would've commited suicide just to make me prove i didn't kill him. fortunately for me, he didn't realize the trouble he could create in my life!
i no longer waste any time thinking or wondering what my children's father is doing in life. there will be weeks or more go by that i never even think of him. his existence is not noticeable to me, nor does it collide with my existence -- ever. we live over 200 miles apart, which is probably a large part of the reason we're both still alive. our social circles are not connected, even though we know many of the same people. we have different associations with these people. every now and then, someone will mention him to me and i'll be reminded that he still exists. but that thought doesn't last for long. now that the children are both over 18, there is nothing he can do to me that would matter.
the more i thought of the difficulty his death or disappearance would cause me, the more my ornery and rebellious nature came out. if the situation were reversed and i knew someone had openly stated that he or she wished me dead -- what would i do? i guess that would depend upon how much malice i harbored for that person. or maybe it would depend upon how much time i had on my hands. or maybe it would depend upon whether i felt like having an adventure.
but let's suppose it was my ex-husband, though. that certainly offers some promising scenarios, as i did carry quite a large amount of ill-will toward him for a long time. so, how could i use that situation to my advantage? well, if i had thought it through far enough and knew what would happen, i would've realized the difficulty i could have caused him in life. that would've been a real problem, too, because once i realized it -- i would've wanted to make it happen. something to provide the perfect payback for all the things that he did to the children and to me. and it would've been the perfect revenge.
i honestly felt like what happened between us should be just between us. i didn't tell his parents anything. i didn't communicate with his family or any of our friends. i never even told our own children why we were divorced. when they asked, i just said, "we just can't live together anymore." and left it at that. i didn't figure they needed a real long explanation that would make them feel like they had to choose who was right and who was wrong. "we just couldn't live together anymore" was enough information for them at 6 and 8 years old.
i had $20 in the ash tray of my car when i left to visit my parents that weekend, not knowing that i was leaving him yet, but knowing that if i could just get home, my parents would help me with what i needed or help me to get back. while i was at my parents for the weekend, he threatened to kill me when i returned, so i decided that i was no longer staying in that relationship. when i left him, i only took my personal possessions, those items that my family had given to us, and the children's belongings. i left him all of his personal possessions, all of the things that his family had given to us, and half of the furniture that wasn't mine personally before we married. i thought that seemed fair and reasonable. i wasn't out to get him on anything -- i just wanted what belonged to myself and the children. i didn't take the money out of the bank account, but just took my name off of it so he could continue to use it.
well, it wasn't long before the divorce turned really nasty. probably about the same time he found out that he was to pay $600 a month in child support and provide the children with medical insurance. then he started doing some really underhanded things to keep the kids and me from "getting anything" of his. seems weird, though, when i wasn't wanting anything of his other than the assigned child support. i even offered to take all the debts and practically none of the property if he would just walk away. no such luck, though. eventually, he just gave up his job and made no money. that way, he didn't have to pay child support. yeah, they assigned an amount to him -- but they couldn't make him pay if.
the divorce drug out for 10 months. during that time, we were in court 5 times before the actual divorce finalization. none of these trips would count as pleasant and none of these trips would count as cheap. well, i guess they were cheaper for him than for me, as he never paid his attorney fees afterward. he fought every step of the way -- didn't want to pay child support, didn't want to provide insurance, refused to provide documentation that the children had insurance, didn't want to agree on visitation, refused to pay child support, was held in contempt of court for not following court orders, offered to settle and then backed out at the last minute, lied about his finances, lied about his possessions, accused me of stealing his valuable property, and told his whole family some far out stories about the reasons we were separated. it was awful, and i wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
i felt so bad for the kids because they wanted their dad to be a father, not a vindictive jerk who was willing to hurt them to get at me. for a while it was good when they went to visit, but that didn't last but just a few months. he knew that the best and easiest way to hurt me was to hurt my kids. i knew that the best and easiest way to hurt him was in his checkbook. every time he tried to get to me through the kids, i would sock it to him in the checkbook -- or try to.
it didn't take me long to see the error of my ways, though. soon i realized that the court wasn't really making him do anything that he was supposed to. i was following the rules because i thought it was the right thing to do, and he wasn't. there was no way for that situation to be fair unless both people are willing to be fair and do what's right. i was in a "no win situation". he wasn't going to behave maturely, he wasn't going to follow the rules, and the court wasn't going to make him. oh yeah, they ordered him to, but that doesn't really make him do it. that just puts the order in the books -- "on this 3rd day of june, 1992, scott docherty appears before this court and is ordered to pay his child support for the last 3 months. mr. docherty has until july 1 to get caught up on his child support. once he has paid the arrears on child support, he shall pay 1/2 of his monthly child support on the 1st of the month and 1/2 on the 15th of the month." this was now a court order. he had until july 1 to defy the court again, and he did. at that point, if i took him back to court (and paid the fees), about the same thing would happen. nothing scary or harmful or damaging, really. he would just smile and agree to do whatever the court told him to do and then not do it.
my children were the victims in this situation, and there was nothing i could do to protect them. he denied doing anything to them or anything wrong to the court. he made them cry, he made them afraid, he made them sick, he made them sad -- and there was nothing i could do. if i didn't make them go, i was in contempt of court. the court system didn't care what the problem was, the kids had to go see their dad. after all, if they could just force them to spend some time together, they would probably end up liking each other. wrong!
well, i didn't think very nice thoughts about him during this time, and the thoughts got worse in connection to his actions. i would've done just about anything to make sure my kids were safe and happy. this included eliminating the reason(s) for their unhappiness and distress. i had already tried working w/ him and being cooperative. next, i tried to cut down on the amount of time that the kids went there and the interaction that they had with him. or trying to re-arrange the schedule a little bit to be more accommodating to the kids' social schedule. i finally took him to court requesting that visitation be cut down to once a month instead of twice a month. that didn't work, though, as the judge just split the difference and then gave him 6 weeks in the summer to make up for the time he was losing. the judge also refused to listen to the kids and/or let them speak out in court. they were barred from the courtroom.
he became more vicious, doing outrageous things to pay me back for trying to "run his life". the problem was, i didn't want to run his life -- i just didn't want him to run mine! and i definitely didn't want him to ruin my kids' lives just because he was trying to get back at me. i began to think of how nice life would be without him in it. i wasn't imagining his death, but just his non-existance. how nice things would be if he would just "not be". the kids didn't care for him, and i had very strong negative feelings about the man who caused so much pain to my children. yeah, he did mean things to me, but i didn't really let those bother me because he just hated me (in reality, it just killed him to admit he had no control over me). but when he was mean to OUR children because he hated me, that was crossing the line.
these ridiculous actions continued. he wouldn't bring the kids back at the time he was supposed to, but 3 hours late and just leave me sitting at the meeting point (johnson's general store in fredonia). he refused to let the kids bring their personal possessions that they took to his house back home with them. he threw rocks and screamed filthy names at me as i loaded the kids up in the car -- so bad that some truckers restrained him so we could leave. he blocked my car door so that i couldn't shut it to leave while he yelled at me and called me names. he parked where he blocked my car in and then refused to leave. he threatened to fight me for custody of the kids. he accused me of being an unfit mother and threatened to lie in court and have his friends lie in court for him to have the children taken away from me.
finally, in the summer of 1997, he took the kids for his 6 week visit. this is the first time he had ever done that, and i'm sure he did it this time to pay me back for requesting less visitation for him. he did his best to cut the kids off from me totally -- not letting me talk to them on the phone, intercepting any letters/cards i sent to them, not returning them when he was supposed to, demanding to meet at different times and places. during the last 2-week stint of the 6 weeks visitation, he moved away and took the kids with him == kidnapping. fortunately for me, my kids had been trained on what to do if this happened, but that didn't make it any less serious. the whole situation was miserable.
i was sick with fear for my children's safety and well-being. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i would fall asleep where i had dropped from exhaustion. i had been this way the whole 6 weeks they were gone, but it was worse now that i knew he was attempting to hide them and keep them from me. i couldn't think of anything other than the situation that my kids were in and the jackass that was causing it. i began to think of ways to take care of it myself, but i couldn't come up w/ a method that was definite success without drawing obvious attention to myself. trust me, i had a 100 or more possibilities, but no definite choice. it was no secret about how i felt. i had even discussed the plausibility with my attorney. people knew and had heard me say that i wished he was dead. i never said i was going to kill him, but if he showed up dead -- it wouldn't have bothered me in the least. in fact, i probably would've been happy because it would've spared my children the pain they were going through by dealing with him. but, i wasn't willing to spend my life as a sacrifice to the legal system because he was a jackass.
i wished him dead. i didn't broadcast it, but anyone who knew me well knew that. unfortunately for me, no one obliged me by taking care of him. i always thought it was such a shame when a partner/father was killed in one of those perfect little families and this awful person was still walking around. after the kidnapping, the kids refused to go back to see him. by an unusual chain of events, it worked out just that way. the last time they saw him for visitation was august 9, 1997, when the police removed the kids from his care and turned them over to me.
he didn't see the kids again after that, partially because the kids refused to go and partially because he didn't make arrangements on time to meet them and partially because i refused to take his phone calls. thank God for caller id, which came to our town that summer. i no longer put out any effort to communicate with him or to cooperate in any way on the children. he didn't treat them well and was often abusive (physically or mentally or verbally), he had never put their needs/wants before his own, and he didn't pay child support. in my mind, he was an unfit parent and didn't deserve parental rights. i felt no sympathy for him that his children no longer wanted a relationship with him.
it was probably a couple years before i no longer wished him dead. not that it matters, though, because he's still alive and well today. i'm convinced that he won't make it to heaven and hell probably doesn't want him either. but that's just my opinion. the bad thing is when someone can look at another person's life and say "you know, (s)he is worth much more dead than alive." and be totally honest and sincere -- without malice (and it's not just me thinking that!). not that i'm saying i didn't have malice, because i did for a long time. in fact, at the time of the kidnapping (5 years after i left him and filed for divorce), i told my attorney that if i had just taken care of it differently the first time, i could've been on parole by then instead of trying to find my kidnapped and abused children. the bad thing -- he totally agreed and wasn't joking. so, had the opportunity presented itself, i'm not sure i would've turned it down.
we healed and recovered from the kidnapping incident. it was a terrible thing to have to live through, and this summer of events has affected my family forever. it's odd, too, that those feelings and memories come over me at weird times, too. like one night when we were watching one of those crime scene shows, explaining how to kill someone and get away with it . . . or not. in this particular show, the person who officials were certain had committed the crime was actually innocent and spent several years in prison before being exonerated.
that really hit home with me -- for obvious reasons. IF scott had been killed or had died under suspicious circumstances, i would've been the obvious suspect. i had motive, and plenty of it. i had opportunity, ability, attitude, access to weapons, and the intelligence to plan out the situation. on top of that, there were witnesses who could testify that i had said i wished he was dead. uh-oh, this could be real trouble.
i really began to worry about what would happen to me if something happened to him. it really could create a problem. i didn't have a alibi all of the time. it's not reasonable, but people would think i had done it if i couldn't account for all of my time. what happened if he got robbed? what happened if he made someone else mad? what happened if he committed suicide? i was really worried. this could negatively affect my life for a very long time, even though i didn't have anything to do with it.
i began to pray for his continued well-being, even though it irked me so bad i couldn't hardly keep from gagging. i now was concerned that the person i most despised might not live a long life. rather ironic, don't you think? what's even more comical -- this man had so much hatred for me that if he realized the situation, he probably would've commited suicide just to make me prove i didn't kill him. fortunately for me, he didn't realize the trouble he could create in my life!
i no longer waste any time thinking or wondering what my children's father is doing in life. there will be weeks or more go by that i never even think of him. his existence is not noticeable to me, nor does it collide with my existence -- ever. we live over 200 miles apart, which is probably a large part of the reason we're both still alive. our social circles are not connected, even though we know many of the same people. we have different associations with these people. every now and then, someone will mention him to me and i'll be reminded that he still exists. but that thought doesn't last for long. now that the children are both over 18, there is nothing he can do to me that would matter.
the more i thought of the difficulty his death or disappearance would cause me, the more my ornery and rebellious nature came out. if the situation were reversed and i knew someone had openly stated that he or she wished me dead -- what would i do? i guess that would depend upon how much malice i harbored for that person. or maybe it would depend upon how much time i had on my hands. or maybe it would depend upon whether i felt like having an adventure.
but let's suppose it was my ex-husband, though. that certainly offers some promising scenarios, as i did carry quite a large amount of ill-will toward him for a long time. so, how could i use that situation to my advantage? well, if i had thought it through far enough and knew what would happen, i would've realized the difficulty i could have caused him in life. that would've been a real problem, too, because once i realized it -- i would've wanted to make it happen. something to provide the perfect payback for all the things that he did to the children and to me. and it would've been the perfect revenge.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
my view of heaven
i love being outside at night for almost any reason, especially if i have time to just sit and relax. something about the night just offers privacy, a chance to reflect on the past and imagine the future. i'm surrounded by the darkness like a blanket of insulation that brings peace and quiet while i marvel at the beauty of the night sky and the infinite display of shining stars. totally awesome. really brings home the reality of God's greatness.
i've always loved being outside at night, and many summer nights growing up i chose to sleep outside. when i was little, we only had window air conditioners that we turned on when we came in from the field at night. obviously, the house was quite hot for a while, and it wasn't easy to go to sleep in that. after a shower, dinner, and any chores i had, i would sit out on the porch waiting for the cool night air to come. sometimes dad would sit out there with me, but usually it was just me. sitting there, waiting on the cool air and looking at the stars.
we camped quite a bit when i was young, so we had all the supplies for living in the wilderness for extended periods of time. i could use them to sleep in the yard at night if i wanted to, but i didn't really care for sleeping on the ground. i didn't care for the bugs that crawled around, and i never was too excited about the idea that a snake might find its way into my sleeping bag. not big motivators to sleeping outside.
when we got a trampoline, i had a whole new outlook on sleeping outside. i could fall asleep looking at the stars, not be lying on the ground, and not be a tempting bunkmate to snakes. it was the perfect solution for me! from that point on, summer (starting in march and going until
october) meant sleeping outside. this added a whole sense of freedom to the summer.
mom always worried about me sleeping outside, but really mom just always worried. there was really nothing to worry about -- i was right next to the house, i wasn't doing anything other than sleeping, and i had a guard dog with me. i didn't feel there was much danger, but because we lived on a major highway there could have been other problems. of course, this is the same woman who wonders what would happen to all the people in an area if a water tower bursts (and thinks this as she's driving under the tower!). so yeah, it's not surprising that she was worried.
when i was grown, i had my own family. before long, i had moved away from home and lived in town due to a job transfer. i wasn't enjoying the night sky anymore because i was busy rocking babies and giving baths and reading bedtimes stories. i was in a different phase of life, and there was just no time to sit outside and look. we also had neighbors, and they were always "right there" no matter what we were doing. even though we had good neighbors, they still drove me nuts. always coming over, always making noise, always mowing their yards, always letting their kids run loose, always just "right there". since i didn't care for that much "neighborliness," sitting outside to look at the stars (attract their attention) was not that tempting.
i moved back to the country in december of 1999, to a house that i designed and had built on a piece of the family farm just 3 miles from where i grew up. i lived on a gravel road, with my closest neighbor a mile away. it's usually fairly quiet out there, especially at night. even though my life has still been quite busy since i moved there, i find myself drawn outside -- especially at night. i have a large porch on the front of the house where i sit/recline on the steps and just soak up the night. i like to go out around 10 and experience the night just as long as i can stay awake. feeling the cool, damp night air, listening to the creatures of the night, looking at the sky. something about being out in the night creates a sense of freedom. breaking out from the norm, thinking out of the box, exploring something different. something i just can't find when my mind is crowded with the presence of other people, the stresses of everyday life, and seeing everything in full light. the night just adds a hint of mystery and yet allows me to comprehend, almost like i'm on the verge of true enlightenment.
i tend to sit outside at night more in the springtime, probably because of the increasing temperatures and i'm so eager to "get out" after the winter. i am anxiously awaiting the arrival of honeysuckle this year, as it adds a whole other level to sitting outside in the night with the strong sweet smell teasing the senses. the kind of smell where i feel like i should take bigger breaths so i can inhale it faster. someone recently asked me if honeysuckle was my favorite smell. no, it's not my most favorite smell, but it's real close to the top. when honeysuckle is mixed with the arrival of spring, the balmy night air, and stargazing -- it's now a part of the whole image of spring. that scent is now synonymous with spring, so it has transcended beyond just the smell of a particular plant. the smell of honeysuckle -- sweet, heavy, intoxicating. m-m-m-m.
i recently found myself sitting on a park bench in joplin at midnight and took some time to look at the stars, wondering if my friends saw them the same as i do from home. i'm not used to the city lights being around and hindering the view of the stars. maybe it was just coincidence or maybe it was just prejudice, but they certainly didn't looks as bright that night from town as they do from my own porch. i even got up and walked to another area to make sure i had a good view, and still not as good. i guess i'll need to add "compare the view of the stars from multiple locations" to my list of things to do while wanderlust is in control. maybe it was just the noise of the traffic nearby, or knowing that there were other people near, or being alone in the dark in a strange place. whatever, it just didn't feel as good as "my view of heaven."
i've always loved being outside at night, and many summer nights growing up i chose to sleep outside. when i was little, we only had window air conditioners that we turned on when we came in from the field at night. obviously, the house was quite hot for a while, and it wasn't easy to go to sleep in that. after a shower, dinner, and any chores i had, i would sit out on the porch waiting for the cool night air to come. sometimes dad would sit out there with me, but usually it was just me. sitting there, waiting on the cool air and looking at the stars.
we camped quite a bit when i was young, so we had all the supplies for living in the wilderness for extended periods of time. i could use them to sleep in the yard at night if i wanted to, but i didn't really care for sleeping on the ground. i didn't care for the bugs that crawled around, and i never was too excited about the idea that a snake might find its way into my sleeping bag. not big motivators to sleeping outside.
when we got a trampoline, i had a whole new outlook on sleeping outside. i could fall asleep looking at the stars, not be lying on the ground, and not be a tempting bunkmate to snakes. it was the perfect solution for me! from that point on, summer (starting in march and going until
october) meant sleeping outside. this added a whole sense of freedom to the summer.
mom always worried about me sleeping outside, but really mom just always worried. there was really nothing to worry about -- i was right next to the house, i wasn't doing anything other than sleeping, and i had a guard dog with me. i didn't feel there was much danger, but because we lived on a major highway there could have been other problems. of course, this is the same woman who wonders what would happen to all the people in an area if a water tower bursts (and thinks this as she's driving under the tower!). so yeah, it's not surprising that she was worried.
when i was grown, i had my own family. before long, i had moved away from home and lived in town due to a job transfer. i wasn't enjoying the night sky anymore because i was busy rocking babies and giving baths and reading bedtimes stories. i was in a different phase of life, and there was just no time to sit outside and look. we also had neighbors, and they were always "right there" no matter what we were doing. even though we had good neighbors, they still drove me nuts. always coming over, always making noise, always mowing their yards, always letting their kids run loose, always just "right there". since i didn't care for that much "neighborliness," sitting outside to look at the stars (attract their attention) was not that tempting.
i moved back to the country in december of 1999, to a house that i designed and had built on a piece of the family farm just 3 miles from where i grew up. i lived on a gravel road, with my closest neighbor a mile away. it's usually fairly quiet out there, especially at night. even though my life has still been quite busy since i moved there, i find myself drawn outside -- especially at night. i have a large porch on the front of the house where i sit/recline on the steps and just soak up the night. i like to go out around 10 and experience the night just as long as i can stay awake. feeling the cool, damp night air, listening to the creatures of the night, looking at the sky. something about being out in the night creates a sense of freedom. breaking out from the norm, thinking out of the box, exploring something different. something i just can't find when my mind is crowded with the presence of other people, the stresses of everyday life, and seeing everything in full light. the night just adds a hint of mystery and yet allows me to comprehend, almost like i'm on the verge of true enlightenment.
i tend to sit outside at night more in the springtime, probably because of the increasing temperatures and i'm so eager to "get out" after the winter. i am anxiously awaiting the arrival of honeysuckle this year, as it adds a whole other level to sitting outside in the night with the strong sweet smell teasing the senses. the kind of smell where i feel like i should take bigger breaths so i can inhale it faster. someone recently asked me if honeysuckle was my favorite smell. no, it's not my most favorite smell, but it's real close to the top. when honeysuckle is mixed with the arrival of spring, the balmy night air, and stargazing -- it's now a part of the whole image of spring. that scent is now synonymous with spring, so it has transcended beyond just the smell of a particular plant. the smell of honeysuckle -- sweet, heavy, intoxicating. m-m-m-m.
i recently found myself sitting on a park bench in joplin at midnight and took some time to look at the stars, wondering if my friends saw them the same as i do from home. i'm not used to the city lights being around and hindering the view of the stars. maybe it was just coincidence or maybe it was just prejudice, but they certainly didn't looks as bright that night from town as they do from my own porch. i even got up and walked to another area to make sure i had a good view, and still not as good. i guess i'll need to add "compare the view of the stars from multiple locations" to my list of things to do while wanderlust is in control. maybe it was just the noise of the traffic nearby, or knowing that there were other people near, or being alone in the dark in a strange place. whatever, it just didn't feel as good as "my view of heaven."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)